My fellow Americans, I am withdrawing from my campaign to be the next Prognosticator of the United States of America. That's right, I quit. Change? Change this!
Even though I had the endorsement of one of my opponent's southern cousins - Al Obama from Alabama - most of you didn't connect to my populist message of change by helping poor people such as, well, me. I just wanted a job.
Ours has been a noble effort and I'd like to personally thank all my volunteers - especially my bartender, the fair-and-balanced cable network that unconditionally supported me, and all 16(?) of my spouses - but the time has come in this campaign for me to finally admit I don't know Whatzgonahappen. I pretty much wasted your time.
All that stuff that I said I cared about I didn't. I now admit that I continually switched positions as circumstances warranted it. When a team went on a winning streak and another went on a losing streak, I lost all my convictions while pretending that I was a man of deep character. Please forgive me. (Sob!) I am a deeply flawed American predictor. I gave into temptation and I liked it!
But a lot of you saw through me. Which is fine except that I can't believe you didn't see through the other knuckleheads. What were you thinking?
I am not as flawed as the horrible humans you are left to choose as your Prognosticator. In fact I'm taking my prognostications to Canada, so there! I'm going to predict the Canadian Football League. Depending on election results I will be rooming with either Sean Penn or Rush Limbaugh.
A grain of sand is the only justification necessary for almost anything, including starting a war or predicting a Super Bowl champion. Yes, a grain of sand can change history and I had one too, but I lost it on the beach.
Since life's a beach, I found another grain of sand. I just don't know if it's the same one that is capable of changing history, but I hope so because everybody wants change these days except for George W. Bush.
It looks sort of the same so I'll proceed forward as if the grain of sand I lost was called Peyton Manning and the one I found is named Eli Manning. In other words, close enough for government work and the boulder that lands on it is still named Tom Brady.
|Terry Bradshaw at the Country Music Television's "CMT Giants" honoring Hank Williamszjr.(AP Photo)|
PREGAME: Before the game, Terry Bradshaw (who now also plays running back for the New York Giants) shoots at a quail he sees nesting in Jimmy Johnson's hair. The quail then lays on egg on Terry Bradshaw's head and the egg cooks in the Arizona sunshine. Howie Long pulls two hairs from his own head and uses them as a fork to eat the egg. That's right, welcome to pregame at the Super Bowl. American Idol Jordin Sparks sings the national anthem. And yes, I'm American but I don't recall when Jordin Sparks became my idol. (Sigh.) I'm always the last to know what I think.
COIN TOSS: Eli Manning thinks it's small talk to tell the referee that his brother Peyton has a big head but the referee mistakes that to mean he called heads. It is heads. But Eli knows that the team that wins the coin toss usually loses the Super Bowl. It's the first one of the day that Eli wishes he could have back.
FIRST QUARTER: Dominik Hixon takes the kickoff back to the Giants 45 and after a one yard running play by Brandon Jacobs, Eli Manning hits Plaxico (Slow-Randy) Burress for 30 yards. The ball is thrown high, but Slow-Randy has long arms. After the Giants stall and kick a field goal, a $2.7 million commercial airs for 30 seconds. No one remembers it. The company then lays off people and the executives get a bonus (all in 30 seconds). Ellis Hobbs brings the kickoff back to the 50. Tom Brady's bad foot overthrows streaking-down-the-sidelines (fast) Randy Moss and then the teams trade punts three times. At the end of the quarter Terry Bradshaw (people call him Ahmad now) scores a touchdown. Jeremy Shockey, who doesn't play, proves valuable. Why? He doesn't play. Giants 10, Patriots 0
SECOND QUARTER: The Patriots start at the 20 and begin a methodical drive that is interrupted at the Giants 35 when Tom Brady is hurried into an interception. Two plays later, Eli returns the favor. And that brings us to the 20th Peyton Manning commercial of the day. In Giants territory, it takes Tom Brady five plays before he hits Wes Welker in the end zone. Don Shula is so angry that he finishes his burger and starts a hunger strike. The Giants punt, Lawrence Maroney finishes a drive. Lawrence Tynes has his required missed field goal and Kevin Faulk runs a screen pass 40 yards to finish a drive. Patriots 21, Giants 10
HALFTIME: Bob Dylan plays with Tom Petty, because it's what I want. I may as well enjoy my music at the Super Bowl now because in 15 years Snoop Dog will be rapping to the Super fans about Gin N' Juice.
THIRD QUARTER: Ellis Hobbs is swarmed on the kickoff at the 21-yard line. The Giants defense tightens and the Patriots defense is also stout. The Patriots drive but cannot get in the end zone. Fast Randy is held in check and Slow Randy has disappeared. The third quarter is a battle of running backs, won slightly by Lawrence Maroney over Terry (Why do they call him Ahmad?) Bradshaw. It is also a battle of field goal kickers. Stephen Gostkowksi makes two while Lawrence Tynes hears the voice of David Letterman in his head and misses two. Patriots 27, Giants 10
|Coughlin, head coach for the New York Giants (Getty Images)|
FOURTH QUARTER: Tom Coughlin's face has become Arizona red, which is a different shade than Green Bay red. However, his Lawrence Tynes red-face remains the same, especially after Tynes misses another kick. After Tom Brady throws five short completions in a row, the Patriots stall for a field goal. Finally, Eli Manning connects with Slow Randy for a 50-yard touchdown. But Tom Brady punches right back with a 60-yard touchdown to Fast Randy. That's right, I spygate this score: Patriots 37, Giants 17
POSTGAME: Don Shula takes Bill Belichick hostage and, pointing a French fry, demands an asterisk. Tiki Barber inserts himself as a high-profile negotiator. Meanwhile Tom Brady quietly dumps his supermodel girlfriend in order to date a genetically engineered super-er model. Oh yeah, he wins the MVP too.
OFFSEASON: The Shula/Belichick hostage standoff lasts through July when Brittany Spears finally intervenes by marrying both of them - showing that no one knows where to put the asterisk and some things are more expensive than draft picks. Meanwhile, the Cleveland Browns plan a dynasty.
This column is sponsored by stock cars and baseball and Freecheezeburgerz.com (For more of this kind of drivel in the offseason)
Brian Tarcy, the co-author of "The Complete Idiot's Guide To Football" by former Super Bowl quarterback Joe Theismann, as well as a dozen other books (www.briantarcy.com), has a new book - The Complete Idiot's Guide To NASCAR. (His favorite driver is Clint Bowyer.) For more of Brian Tarcy's unusual sense of humor, be sure to visit Whatzgonnahappen.com.