Hello my peeps. I am R.Maniac.
Many of you know me as the host of "That Clown-Slapping Show!" aka the Rant(volumes I, II, III and IV) but for the uninitiated I'm a native of SoCal who was brainwashed at an early age to worship all things O's and Colt under threat of adoption from Charmville parental units. I know the legends of Earl Williams and Sam Horn; and Marty Domres, Curtis Dickey and something named Nesby Glasgow hold meaning for me as well.
Like you, I could probably ace that quiz in "Diner" and be Mrs. Guttenberg, or whatever.
(I don't know who Frank Kush is anymore thankfully because I ate the part of my brain storing that info ala Ray Liota in "Hannibal" in order to forget. Tastes like lemon chicken FWIW..)
I was going to start off with an oratory on why it is of great import for Ravenfans to strut, gloat and generally lord over lowly AFC North assclowns wherever you find them, but since most Ravenfans already know this I'll focus on Raven newbie starter influx instead.
DRAFT "BONMOTS" :
(that's french for "clever words", not to be confused with "bon scott"
which is french for "vomit choke", not to be confused with "bill cowher"
which is apalachian for "vomit choke")
ED REED S, MIAMI (FLA.) [1st round-#26]
The good news is our new starting safety is a true ballhound who showed at RayRayU he has that God-given knack for being "Johnny-on-the-spot" in the Big Play/turnover dept, not unlike #52 himself. (in other words, his Bizarro World doppelganger would have to be Kim "One INT per Halleys Comet, please"Herring.)
The bad news is I'm was apparently more enthused about the Reed selection than Ozzy & Co were initially.
Quote from Honest Ozzy(more on that later):
"The first 20 guys on our list were gone."
Mathematically speaking, this means the Ravens got the 21st best guy on their list at #26. That's still value, but it's just not "Todd Heap WOO HOO!" value.
Reed is smallish, but mark my words: In 3 years Ed Reed will be considered the best natural safety ever to wear a Ravens uni, and will eventually surpass grampa Rod's noble acheivements in purple. Clip n' save, my legions of enemies. The Ravens are due to bust on a 1st rounder eventually (the jury is still out on Travis Taylor ) but it won't be Reed. Man's a playmaker. End of story.
ANTHONY WEAVER DL, NOTRE DAME [2nd round-#20]
Our first ever Golden Domer (and first of 2 in this draft) was touted as the 5th best DL on ESPN's board, and to the naked eye would make you think the scientists at RavenTech Institute succeeded in cloning a skin cell they recovered from one of Rob Burnett's old funkified headbands. A dead ringer, playwise. He may be good enough to allow the Ravens to take a pass on re-signing Larry Webster, thus freeing up more cashish for Sam Adams (aka PRIORITY #1-A after June 1st)
DAVE ZASTUDIL P, OHIOOOO..OOH MY GOD, NO! [4th round, #14]
Meet Kyle Richardson's replacement, and the 1st punter ever drafted by the Ravens. He is left-footed which is rare nowadays and may present problems for return men not used to an opposite spin on the football (yeah I know, that statement sounds like another kind of "spin" but I read it in a report on the guy so don't blame the plaigureist, m'kay?)
Remember, ZASTUDIL© is not to be taken if you're pregnant or have a heart condition. And like all Ohio-based NHO inhibitors, can cause vomiting and loose stools. (what, you want valuable insights? He's a freaking punter...hello?)
Mike Preston is having a field day with this pick, but the fact the Ravens know the value of a thunder-footed punter on a team that's likely to struggle some on offense. They also know how bad punting can murder you. (see Richardson-Pissburgh playoffs) Odds are Zastudil will be here a lot longer than anyone else we could have drafted with that pick, but we'll see.
And speaking of Preston: "The Reed pick has no pizzaz." Another smallish Miami guy drafted at #26 five years ago had no "pizzaz" either, chief.
Hey, maybe portly Preston meant he wished Reed would bring him a "pizza." I dunno. How do you slam drafting a pedigreed playmaker and the best defender from NFL University's 2001 squad?
NOTE TO OZZY:
I'd never thought I'd see the day when I'd think you could actually learn something from Butch "that's the ticket!" Davis; but if you're heart was so set on Levi Jones then WHY did you feel the need to trumpet it to the nation? Everybody and his brother knew you were lusting after Jones, and they know your draft day track record. When you talk, they listen. You don't think Mike Brown can read? (Yeah, me neither, but he obviously hired somebody who could) You sure as hell know he's too stupid to think you're lying so try taking advantageof that next time, m'kay?
Brown's drafting of Jones without trading down smacked of pure last-second panic.
I can hear the jittery Bung war room yammerings:
"Umm, clock ticking....let's see...the Ravens will draft Jones at #24....time running out....umm, I know..WE'LL DRAFT HIM AT #10 BECAUSE 10 COMES BEFORE 24, HA-HAH!!"
Of course, Jones will end up a bustola and Reed won't so it's all good.
Is Jones a bad player? Nope.
Is he a Bungle draft pick? Yep.
The defense rests.
Meanwhile in Browntown, the Butch Davis Lie Machine was stripping it's gears:
"We want Ducket, I tell you!"
"We still have plans for Rainier in our defense, truly!"
"We didn't try to trade Jamir Miller, on my momma's grave!"
"No, I'm not Butch Davis...I'm Carl Spvnyck. Pleased to meet you!"
True, like Mikey Moron the Clowns could have easily gotten their man by trading down a few spots, but nonetheless they did get the man they coveted.
Personally, we all should have known Green was their guy from Jump street. Duckett had no positive piss tests. Elementary, my dear Watson!