The World According To 'R' - A New One...

<p><b>MOURNING THE LOSS<br> </b></font><br> Haven't spent too much time on the net the last couple of weeks because I've been far too busy cursing, pouting and contemplating Luddism. Had a MAJOR drive on my box get fried as a result of a freak brownout (&quot;brownout&quot;... cruel irony). I'm currently engulfed in the ugly biznatch of wrangling with tech guys and trying to recover some crap that I regretfully hadn't backed up. So far with rather unspectacular results.<br>

I fear my extremely rare collection of exotic far-eastern por...umm, spreadsheet data have gone the way of the dodo.


Gang, learn from my grievous error.
Stop what you're doing right now and back up all your rare, exotic far-eastern spreadsheet data. If you don't then one day you may find yourself being forced to have sex with your spouse again, and who really needs that noise?

Speaking of mourning..


Why do so many children of big celebrities end up so warped?
It's not like they've had a hard life sucking off their parental unit's fame all their lives. Male siblings seem to have a much rougher go of it than females, as the unfolding Ted Williams horror story points out:

William's daughter discussing brother John Henry's ambitious plans for dearly departed dad-

"He said the way they're going with medical science and DNA, we could freeze dad's body, or we can freeze his head," Ferrell said. "He said, we could sell the DNA."

Hey, why stop there?
I can see the wheels turning in John Henry's head:

(Gene Wilder voice)
"Yes, we'll harvest dad's remaining sperm cells and sell them in tiny little refrigerated caplets at card shows. I can see it now...

(/Gene Wilder voice)

Yeesh, what a loser.
And speaking of losers (I am the Seque King. Behold..)


Mike Tyson is Yogi Berra, sans propencity for rape and hunger for human flesh.
Post-fight quotes:

"Well, I have to tip my hand to him, he was a better fighter tonight."

I guess Tyson and Lewis had a poker game planned for later in the evening. Cool!
When asked what he will do next, Tyson said:

"I guess I'll fade into bolivian."

To be fair, Lennox Lewis isn't curing cancer any time soon, either:

(Steve accent)
"I wanted to complete my legacy as the best fighter on the planet and in the world."
(/Steve accent)

One or the other, Emperor Ming. Don't be greedy.
Getting punched in the head is cool!

And speaking of getting punched in the head (there's no stopping me..)


Summarizing the negative stance by league owners for the NFL to return to a renovated LA Memorial Coliseum, Art Modell charms the LA Times with:

"Trying to put a new dress on an old hooker is not the way I want to go dancing."

Good ol' silver-tongued, box-stepping Art.
I wonder if he was thinking of that old "hooker" at the bottom of Cleveland's Fire Lake when he said that? Which reminds me...


Hey Jacob Field fans-
How 'bout them Indians? WOO HOO!

Hey, I can say that. You can't throw bottles on the internet.

So let's recap: Modell is the King of Metaphors and I'm still the King of Segues.
Except for now...


Screw this Ravens news drought and the pissy, vindictive little Eugene Parker/Rosey Barnes hamster dance responsible for it. Time to get proactive.

This weekend, I begin stalking Antonio Freeman's mother.
I smell two easy pre-camp columns and one veteran WR signing outta this intrepid endeavor.
Wish me luck all!

Unfortunately, Bigshot Steve was less than thrilled with my fresh and innovative new angle, and has taken it upon himself to bring a ringer into the RavensInsider mix...


Aaron Wilson of the Carrol County Times is joining us, and I personally couldn't be more thrilled. Here's a man who will never be stuck for Raven-centric column ideas no matter what time of year it is! He's is a true "insider" and I shall steal ideas from his columns with great gusto.


So naturally, Aaron writes us:
"Any ideas on what direction to take during this slow period of Ravens news would be appreciated as well as at any other juncture of the season/off-season."

Dear Aaron-
YOW!! Didn't want to hear that, buddy. Welcome to our world. Looking forward to your columns, but a friendly warning:

Stay the hell away from the lovely Mrs. Freeman.
That goes for all you, especially Drunk Guy. She is my woman.

Three more weeks...

Three. More. Weeks.
Welcome aboard, Aaron!

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