And Now For Something Completely Different

RavenQuest 2002 has finally begun in earnest, and as we suspected all along throughout the offseason bloodletting - these are obviously not the same Baltimore Ravens you've been partying with for the past 3 seasons. In the Raven's 12-6 win over the Detroit Lions Friday night we saw a complete reversal of form for the Blackbirds - swarming, rabid defense sharply contrasted by a sputtering, mistake-prone offensive.

For those that might be thinking they accidently stumbled into Bizzaro world or that R. has discovered the medicinal properties of the crack during his hiatus- that's called "sledgehammer sarcasm."

Hey, I know these guys!

If this keeps up for a few more years, nip and tuck 12-6 and 9-3 field-goal duels between NFL teams will forever be referred to by annoucers as "Raven Ball."

"They're playing Raven ball out there today, Bob- and I just hope rookie kicker Yorgi Yankovich's toe is up to challenge!"

Get used to it, Ravenfan- it's what we are. It is our little NFL niche, and it's not such a bad thing.
Maniacle defense / gimpy offense. If you're a smashmouth-lovin' NFL fan, forget the Steelers and the Raider teams of old- the new millenium Baltimore Ravens are your Godsend.

And conversely, if you like high-flying, high-scoring arial attack offenses....go away now, you point-loving freak.

Don't preach to us about Brian Billick's resume and blabber the word "EXPLOSIVE" endlessly like a brain damaged parakeet, just leave.

Three words- Not. For. You.

Give up your seat on the Raven's bandwagon and afford another slobbering nutjob who just likes watching QBs get mangled and broken in half an opportunity to sit down. Go see if there's any space available on the the running board of the Ram's Astrovan, and good luck.

We are the Baltimore Ravens, and the only QB that we officially like is Johnny Unitas. And if he ever steps off the sidelines and crosses those hashmarks again, he mighted get pummeled too.

We are D, and D is us. Learn it, live it, love it.
Maniacle/Gimpy. Not so tragic considering the hardware said combination has produced thus far for the Ravens.

Beats the hell outta Gimpy/Gimpy anyday (for reference please consult Ohio NFL Inc.) and in my humble opinion is a more affective combo than Big O - Puny D (see 39-37 losses in VinnyEra).

We Be D.


Who is he kidding?
Sam Adams has announced that he will decide next week where he will be plying his trade in NFL 2002, with the Ravens, Broncos and Seahawks in contention, and an outside shot for the Bengals (providing the Bungs meet Adam's unique contract stipulation requiring Mike Brown to relinquish total team ownership to Sam upon his third sack).

Quote Sam:
"I love Baltimore and I would be honored to be a Raven again. I have no ill will toward the Ravens; they were in a tight situation and had their hands tied. But the numbers aren't up to par at this time."

"Hee hee, I'm missing two-a-days and you're not! Bwaa!"

When confronted with this suspision, Sam poo-poohed it:
"Everybody needs training camp (snicker). I miss it (chortle). No one likes it, but I want to be in camp (straight face slowly fracturing). I'm in condition. I'm prepared to go to another Pro Bowl.
My mind is focused and I'm ready to rock and roll."

"Enjoy those wind sprints, suckaaaaz! WOO HOO!"

Take heart, Siragusa fans- the spirit of the newly-retired Goose lives on in his partner.
See ya next week, Sam.

PS: Consider the helicopter rental- it'd be a nice tribute to the beloved Fat One on FOX.


Of course, this is all assuming that the Ravens will supress their enthusiasm over the solid camp efforts of DL hopefuls Kelly Gregg and Nate Bollings et al and re-commit to paying out hefty moola to the proven vet Adams. Hard to say, considering the hardline "we're rebuilding - get used to it" stance the Raven's FO has had since the roster purge began.

Either way, the endless suspense will FINALLY be over in a week. Huzzah.

(Yes, I threw this in just to cover my ass in case Adams is not re-signed. Can you blame me? I've been saying Adams will be back for about 6 months now and I'm still flapping in the breeze like John Madden's jowls. Still, if Adams is re-upped, expect me to strut and preen like a pompous know-it-all. You have been warned).


Chris Redman: Yes, after watching Banks, Dilfer and Grabass for the past couple of years, it jumps out at you. And when followed up by Jeff Blake, it [b]really[/b] stands out like a sore thumb.

I'm talking about Redman's arm hops, as you probably guessed. Very Couch-like.

I love a cannon-armed QB as much as anyone, but we need to remember what it is about Redman's Louisville career that impressed the Ravens enough to spend a 3rd rounder on him in the first place: Leadership ability, accuracy and poise.

You're not going to find out about leadership ability in the pre - that's a virtue that is judged exclusively in regular season contests IMHO. As for accuracy, Redman has certainly seen (and will see) better days than his Lions debut. Overshot some deep balls to open recievers, with one of those getting picked. But we did get a glimpse of the latter virtue Friday night on the fumbled snap which a stumbling, harrassed Redman quickly gathered in and whipped out to Tellis Redmon for a 10-yard gain. Very nifty. Notch one in the composure dept.

10-20 93 yrds 1 INT in 2 quarters...but don't start the Blake chants just yet because Jeff's work in the 2nd half wasn't exactly fireworks and petunias either.

They need work, but that's why we "pre" my people.


Ron Johnson: a WR that actually gets open. So that's what one looks like.

Chad Williams: Ed Reed has heat firmly applied to his million-dollar ass. Couldn't ask for more from the 6th rounder.

Nate Bolling: Winner of  the Player of the Game award friday, as well as the coveted "Name that gives Chris Berman wood" award. Wake Forest DEs are the bomb.

Will Demps: Obvious mention, but Joey Harrington gave him a real gift. Gifts are kewl when you're getting them. Less so when you're giving them ( see Elvis Kringle)


Ed Mulitalo: He didn't give up a sack in the "experiment" but I think that's because Robert Porsher eventually got bored.

BIGGEST UP: No injuries. Never forget that preseason games are not to be won, they are to be survived. Everything else beyond that is gravy.


"The Ravens are different," said Marty Hurney, the Carolina Panthers' director of football operations, "because at least they have a ring. They won a Super Bowl, so it's hard to say their current situation wasn't worth it."

ULTIMATE UPS: It's football season. Rejoice, junkies. Meet my new sig:

"Rebuild your Ass."

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