With nothing but bizarre healines hovering over all things Redskins these days, we turned to Twitter funny guy Gheorge: The Blog for perspective. He delivered.
[Author’s Note: I began writing this “column” midweek, prior to the Lifetime movie that went down at the Ashburn Abyss. Let’s just say I’m looking forward to the unauthorized movie this Fall, entitled “The Guiding Blight”, chronicling the online twitter shenanigoats that transpired. Starring Meredith Baxter (she dropped the Birney) and Yasmine Bleeth, of course.]
As fans try to climb out from under the mountain of RG3/Kirk Cousins thinkpieces this week, I thought I’d jump in and try my hand at a little online psychiatry, letting the beaten down Washington fanbase know that despite what seems like an eternal dumpster fire in Ashburn to rival Springfield’s tire fire, Washington’s recent organizational mismanagement of, well, virtually everything, still pales in comparison to some of these epic disasters:
Crystal Pepsi – “Hey, I’ve got a great idea!” soon-to-be-fired Pepsi executive said one morning in the early 90s. Let’s take the style and substance of the product that has made us billions of dollars and scrap all that for a clear liquid, ‘cause “false equivalence of purity”. The product’s slogan was “You’ve never seen a taste like this”, and unfortunately for Pepsi Co. that proved quite true, as that taste lasted barely a year in the marketplace.
Cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch – Oh man, the late TV series character add-on that was such a monumental failure all other egregious character additions to follow were soon equated to “adding a Cousin Oliver”. You already had a symmetrical, relatively enjoyable number of kids (except for that dolt Bobby), who at that point were all quite a bit older than wee Oliver, both in TV age and especially in real-life age. Sprinkle in a not-even-cute, annoying cousin haphazardly and a TV trope is born.
The Exxon Valdez – A well-known brand, a mammoth operation, the guy in charge asleep (drunk) at the wheel, poor decision making resulting in still-ongoing catastrophic damage to the environment (fanbase)…ladies and gentleman, I present to you the Dan Snyder Era Redskins, err, Captain Joseph Hazelwood of the Exxon Valdez. Yup, this example in particular should give Skins fans a lil’ bit of solace.
Jar Jar Binks – Speaking of atrocious character choices, no list of historic disasters would be complete without #$@&%*! Jar Jar Binks. Clumsy describes not just the character’s movements but its inclusion in the iconic series at all. Jar Jar Binks was so awful it almost killed the Star Wars franchise (well that, and the fact Hayden Christensen’s portrayal of Luke Skywalker made folks want to walk into oncoming traffic). The disgusting taste left in everyone’s mouth from Jar Jar hopefully will be cleansed after the release of Episode VII this December (author pauses to watch trailer for 690th time).
Van Hagar – Perhaps a controversial choice in the Epic Fail Category for some, but not for this adoring Roth-ite. I could mainline a bottle of Cabo Wabo and still wouldn’t approve of Sammy’s inclusion in Van Halen. Now that I think about it, dammit, the Crystal Pepsi marketing blitz even included a heavy (HEAVY) dose of Van Hagar’s “Right Now”, a song that I’m pretty sure has been used as an alternative to waterboarding at Gitmo.
Hope that helped a tad bit, Skins fans. If not, there’s always booze. Lots and lots of booze.