The snow is here which means end of days isn't far off. If you're so fortunate as to be around a member of the Redskins, here are your best bets.
Being stuck during a blizzard like the one the DC area is currently encountering is no fun at all. But if you're stuck with a group of people who you at least enjoy being with, storms like this one — which I’ll call Morgan Snowses — become somewhat bearable.
In the interest of fun, here’s which Redskins I would most want to be holed up with when the white stuff comes down.
(Ben Standig contributed with this snow day nonsense. Shovel out his car or throw snowballs at his house accorrdingly.)
Have you seen his Twitter? The offensive lineman sends out pictures of him camo’d out and standing alongside dead animals constantly. Simply put, having Scherff in my house means I would not starve. He’d be the one who’d venture out into the wilderness “Revenant” style and bring back food for as long as we needed him to.
Knighton’s got a little bit of everything. He’s friendly, so we could talk about Manning vs. Brady (he was once teammates with Peyton, after all), he likes to play cards in the locker room, which means he’d definitely be down to gamble on how much total snow will fall, and he would be a force with a shovel in his hands. Plus, if the snowpocalypse ever developed into a world-being-taken-over-by-zombies thing, I could probably outrun Knighton to safety. Sorry Pot Roast.
If I'm truly truly lost, I hear he's good with routes.
Being house-bound for days at a time can cause people to go crazy. And if people go crazy, I’d rather have Galette on my side than not. That’s it. If I have some time to bond with him over how much we don’t like the Saints or share a meal of some expired bread with him, then he’ll likely defend me if the world loses its collective mind. That’s a good thing. I want that.
If the pipes burst, he can fix them — after seeing what he did with the Burgundy and Gold’s offensive line, you know he can handle leaky situations.
He’s unselfish, so he’ll offer me that last glass of milk instead of taking it himself. Also, as someone who’s spent their career blocking for others, you know he’d be willing to do the unenviable tasks around the house, like getting batteries for the flashlight or sleeping on the floor.
Kirk’s conversion van would come in handy as the roads get tricky. That thing is big and its ugly, but I know it could blow through some iffy streets if need be.
Scot can find help anywhere. You know he’d figure out a way to use the next door neighbor to his advantage, or find an old movie that’s collecting dust and see its entertainment value.
Decent chance TMZ cameras find their pal and we get a lift back to civilization. Win, win.
He jumpstarted Sean McVay’s offense all year, so perhaps he could jumpstart a dead car or an electricity-less house.
The man’s a leader. If people get unruly or the house starts to be divided, the left tackle will bring everyone together. Sure, he may eat more than most, but I’ll take his ability to galvanize people even if it means I go to bed a bit hungrier every night.
The veteran with the longest tooth in the Washington locker room and who undoubtedly would have tons of knowledge as to how to survive a snowstorm such as this one. Every one of Golston’s teammates praises how smart he is, and I’d like to take advantage of that intelligence. “Hey Ked, should I put my phone in airplane mode or turn it off entirely?” “Hey Ked, when should I start rationing my chicken nuggets?” He’d help in all sorts of ways as an advisor.
They’d be the sources of comedy, the ones who keep you goin’ when you just about feel like your patience is going to run out. I feel like they’d do fun stuff like start snowball fights or draw on Golston’s face when he's asleep. Comedy is crucial when you’re stuck inside.
If he can go from undrafted wide receiver to a cornerback shutting down No. 1 pass catchers around the NFL, who knows what else he’s capable of? You know he’d have some sort of surprise skill, like guitar playing or board game aficionado or something else. I want to be around him when that skill comes out.
Follow Peter Hailey on Twitter at @barelyin.
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