The Cardinals? Please…there's Bidwell, being cheap and never winning. The Eagles? No class. And there's that stupid Rocky thing. I sort of like the fact that the Giants have a history, but they're divisional rivals and they're pretty arrogant about their defense (And touchy …just mention that 50 point game and things get tense). Dallas is of course out of the question. O.K. Maybe the NFC East isn't the place to look. (Yeah, yeah…I know about the Cards moving into a different division, but it's not going to make those pathetic vagabonds any better, will it?)
There are some palatable teams in the NFC Central…I think. The Vikings are out – I don't like Randy Moss' attitude and their fans are mighty cocky. And they fleeced the Skins on the Brad Johnson deal. The Packers…hmmm..I didn't like the way they whipped us last season. And I'd look silly with one of those cheesehead hats. Da Bears – I'm not saying I hold a grudge, but that 73-0 thing still rankles. Say what you will, I think they ran up the score. The Lions? I still remember Porcher attacking Brad Johnson and getting put down by a QB. Hard to respect that sort of thing.
Maybe there's hope in the NFC South. Well, the Bucs are out – their fans are wretched – easily the most juvenile chest-thumpers in the league - and that goofy theme park stadium looks like it was built for 12 year olds. The Falcons – Jerry Glanville…Deion Sanders. Not for me. The Panthers? Isn't Sean Gilbert still there? The Saints? Come on – the team was stupid enough to make the Rickey Williams trade. And signing locker room specialist Albert Connell for $14 million bucks is enough to give anyone pause.
Way out West maybe? The Rams? Too trendy. And Mike Martz is there. The 49ers? I'd slit my throat first. (Although I'll give Terrell Owens some style points for dissin on the Silver Star). There's that new team – the Seattle Seahawks. It's hard to root for a team with no divisional rivalries.
Well…I'm out of luck with the NFC. What about the AFC teams?
How about the East? The Dolphins are out – I'm not rooting for any team with Norv Turner. And I still remember '72, with Garo Ypremian and all that. The Bills - What's the point? The best you get is to be trounced in a Super Bowl. The Patriots? Everyone would think I'm jumping on a bandwagon. Way too shallow. The Jets. First of all, I'm not rooting for a NY team. Second, they gave up on John Riggins. How sharp was that?
Out West there's the Chargers. Well, if I couldn't get excited about Marty when he was with the Skins, I can't see why it'd be any better on the Left Coast. The Raiders - While Al Davis is entertainingly loopy, those death-oriented costumes you have to wear look uncomfortable. And I'm still hurt over the Calvin Muhammed trade even if we did get Lachey in a steal. Kansas City's got a coach that cries. Come on. (I will admit there were times when our coaching has made me want to cry, but that's different). Denver. Boy, talk about a buncha media favorites! I disliked Shannon Sharpe almost as much as Romanowski. Neither are still there, but you can't be too careful.
The AFC Central might have some prospects. The Browns? Basically it's become a home for Redskin cast-offs. Sellers. Tre'. Robiskie. The Steelers…now that's an old established franchise. But my wife's ex- roots for ‘em. Hard to see me waving one of those hankies. I know they call ‘em Terrible Towels to make it sound more masculine, but the trained eye can spot a hanky. The Ravens? Yeah…sure. Aside from that little trouble Ray Lewis had, you've got to wonder where this team will be in a couple of seasons. Paducah? Keep the crabcakes, I ain't goin' there. PSInet Stadium, indeed.
Way down South in the Land ‘o Cotton? Well, the Titans are close and all, but they're basically carpetbaggers and they truly insulted Memphis during their brief stopover. Give ‘em a couple bad seasons and see if they aren't bound for LA. The Jaguars – how easy is it to root for the upbeat Mr. Chuckles of the NFL, Tom Coughlin? The Indianapolis Colts – love their QB, but this is the franchise that skulked out of Baltimore in the dead of night. If Art Donovan and Johnny U are still mad, I am too. There's the expansion Houston Texans. A) They're taking David Carr, who'd look great in burgundy. B) Charley Casserly is a Redskin guy. C) What gives with all the draft picks they get? D) Aren't they pretty close to Dallas?
Well, that's it. I don't have any more objections to anyone else. So that leaves…..The Bengals? I guess that's why I have only one team. Lucky for me it's the Redskins.