HELP WANTED. CONSULTANT. MUST BE WILLING TO HELP BAD TEAM BECOME GOOD TEAM. GREAT PAY. GOOD SEATS. NO PARKING, THOUGH.
The Washington Redskins are at it again -- throwing your money at their problems. The answer to the 2-5 start -- after much reflection during bye week -- was to hire a consultant.
Great, another consultant. The Redskins have the biggest and most expensive coaching payroll in the known history of sports and they're bringing in another expert. That's like the IRS adding H&R Block to the payroll.
Nothing against Ray Brown. He's actually a great guy. The former Redskins guard will help young players acclimmate to the NFL. Funny, that used to be the role of veteran players. Guess it's not in their job description anymore.
Brown's arrival made me wonder who else the Redskins can hire to reverse this downward spiral. After all, the Redskins have to win eight of their last nine to probably make the playoffs. Piece of cake. Wait, maybe Betty Crocker should be their nutritional consultant.
Attila the Hun. He'd make a great consultant for the offensive line. Just kill the opposing defensive linemen, rip off their arms and beat the linebackers with them.
Dick Cheney should help Al Saunders with the offensive playcalling. Sneaky little jerk has been running the country for six years now from behind the scenes.
Alan Greenspan could become the salary cap consultant so Snyder doesn't spend like a drunken sailor on shore leave next offseason.
Flipper can teach defensive guru Gregg Williams how to blame players after saying his scheme could handle anything . . . until it didn't.
Frank Herzog could return to the radio booth to broadcast the games without pom pons in his mouth.
The scarecrow can help the front office look for their brains after netting just one starter from the 31 non-first rounders under player personnel director Vinny Cerrato.
Maybe John Mayer could help the band play something from this decade. Justin Timberlake will become part of the Funky Four.
What about Pepper Rodgers . . . wait, I'm not sure what Pepper did last time around, but he tells great stories. Getting fans off topic might not be a bad distraction. Works for President Bush.
Wait, let's just get Michael Brown from FEMA. He knows how to retreat from disasters.
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