Flattland Q&A

Only Trav Flatt, .NET's Lord of Levity, could construct an imaginary Q & A using new Seahawk DE Grant Wistrom, a ferret, the NFL Draft, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the word "schnitzengruben" and make it work. Details below!

It’s been ages since I’ve done a Q & A column. This is primarily due to the fact that nobody has asked me any questions, coupled with the fact that I’m highly unlikely to do any research for the answers.

Luckily, I am entirely unwilling to let little details like that stop me.

Surprisingly enough, there was one actual football-related question posed very recently in the hallowed halls of the .NET forum. As a Sports Journalist entirely lacking in either Sports or Journalism experience, I was well qualified to answer once I had paraphrased the scientific inquiry to suit my needs and fabricated follow-ups.

Q: “How long would it take your cat to escape from Grant Wistrom’s hair?”

A: It’s questions like this that remind me why ‘NFL’ is synonymous with ‘Scientific Curiosity’. Unfortunately, an appraisal of Mr. Wistrom’s prestigious pompadour caused me to fear for my feline’s safety. Thus, in an effort to preserve both the cat and Grant’s scalp, I proposed the substitution of a ferret. I have been attempting to requisition one (1) ferret, though there are problems with my expense account.

Q: “As we come closer to Draft Day, April 24th (Which also happens to be National Pigs in a Blanket Day, which comes after World Laboratory Animals Day and before National Zucchini Bread Day), do you feel the innumerable Mock Drafts are becoming more accurate?”

A: It also happens to be National Astronomy Day. As for the mock drafts, no. They are not becoming more accurate, though they are certainly changing as struggling sports columnists attempt to convince their editors that they are not using the ‘cut & paste’ method of column generation. The actual draft results are most likely to be known by April 25th (Anzac Day), or on April 26th (National Pretzel Day) if you happen to indulge in too many of the celebratory products honored in Iceland on March 1st (National Beer Day).

Q: “What, in technical terms, is a ‘ferret’?”

A: A ‘ferret’ is, essentially, an elongated rat. Famous ferrets of cinema include the torture device ferret in ‘The Big Lebowski’, although The Dude referred to it as a ‘marmot’. Also, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger co-starred with a ferret in his classic film, ‘Kindergarten Cop’. After being quoted as saying, “Ach! De feddit has bitten mein schnitzengruben!”, Schwarzenegger insisted that he did not grope the ferret. However, this writer feels that ferrets do not go around lacerating schnitzengrubens unprovoked.

Q: “What is the Seahawks.NET Forum Quote of the Week?”

A: That would be our very own KHF with, “I actually interacted with the Chicken…” Context has been intentionally omitted.

Q: “Who do you think the Seahawks will select come Draft Day?”

A: I’m still liking Jonathan Vilma, though it’s questionable whether or not he’s going to fall to #23. Such a scenario doesn’t seem overly likely given all of the Vilma-hype, but taking this draft’s phalanx of wide receivers into consideration, stranger things could happen. It would be nice to snatch up a pass-rushing defensive tackle if one is available early, but I’d personally rather wait and see if Igor Olshansky falls. Sports Weekly has him listed as a round 3-4 pick. If we could get Vilma in the first, a wide receiver in the second (As a not-tall person, I like the scrappy shorter players. How about Devery Henderson in round two?), and Igor Olshansky in the third, I will be performing my ceremonial happy ferret dance in the living room.

Q: “Did we really need to know about that?”

A: No, and I’ll thank you for not alerting PETA.

Fire off your scintillating insights, inquiries, and speculations regarding just what KHF meant by ‘Interacted with the Chicken’ to trav@spinn.net

Trav Flatt

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