Flattland: Bronco Bash!

.NET's Trav Flatt reviews the ramifications of the Seahawks' first preseason game, discloses why he doesn't like the Broncos, makes a bold prediction, explains some interesting demographics and tries to negotiate life with a rat-dog. A busy week for our humor scribe!

Well, first and foremost… How BOUT them Hawks? There are the usual “It’s just a preseason game” disclaimers, but it still feels pretty damn good to waltz into Lambeau for your first nationally-televised game of the year and completely shut down the Pack. Well, okay, not completely. They did manage to put together a hundred yards and change, as well as three points.

I’ve been Pro-Seneca for no apparent reason for quite some time, and watching him through three quarters on Monday did nothing to change my opinion. I’d readily take him on my roster over Green Bay’s Mr. Couch. Tim needs to perhaps invest in a couch, because he’s going to be sitting all season long. There are some valid, by which I mean “whiney”, excuses floating about for Couch’s performance, but I think that overall they don’t completely account for the magnitude of Tim’s suck-fest.

Speaking of sucking, does anyone think Heath Evans is going to be here come regular season? Heath’s dropping passes was perhaps the only noteworthy thing I’ve seen him do since he’s been on the roster.

All-in-all, the Monday night game just managed to whet my appetite for the 2004 NFL season. While I’ll probably never find myself on the side arguing against four preseason games a year, I still find myself highly irritated that I as a fan have to endure them. They’re good and all, they’re technically “football games”, but the prolonged waiting for the real thing can be agonizing at times (Specifically, right now).

Next on the agenda, the Denver Squirrel Vomits (We journalistic types make a concerted effort to remain objective). During my geographical incarceration in Albuquerque, I was subjected to a great number of Bronco fans. The Bronco demographic was split about 50/50 with the Cowboy demographic. Oddly enough, despite New Mexico’s location, there were no Arizona Cardinals fans. I cannot imagine why.

In any event, the local networks pandered to the demographic (Which, from a marketing standpoint, I suppose is fairly unstupid) and I found myself on many a Sunday with three options:

1.) Watch the Cowboys game.
2.) Watch the Broncos game.
3.) Drink beer, fall down in a corner, miss both games.

So I grew quite anti-Bronco mainly because I had no interest in them, yet kept seeing them on my television weekend after weekend.

I couldn’t help but develop a bit of an interest, though, when they acquired Jake Plummer. Anyone who had to serve out his rookie contract with the Cards deserves SOME sympathy, right? There’s always been a small, under-medicated portion of me pulling for Jake.

However, unless he does a huge turnaround this coming weekend, I’m thinking he’s going to continue to suck. This preseason has not been Jake’s Shining Moment. We will likely have a good test for our run defense, though, as Denver continues to insert running backs at random behind their line with roughly consistent success. I would not be surprised to see Shanahan himself step into the halfback role and rack up 1400 yards on the ground.

Meanwhile, I remain objectively convinced that the Hawks are one step closer to going 23-0 on the year.

I think that covers the meaningless preseason games, the playoffs, and the Super Bowl. My math could be off by a game or so, but I’m blaming that on sleep deprivation. This is due primarily to the fact that I am once again living with one of our former rat-dog’s offspring.

As y’all may or may not know (Or less likely, care), my dad took one of our Rat-Dog’s puppies. She has now grown up, and hasn’t really changed. Still fairly hyper as most smallish dogs tend to be, though she’s been well trained now to pretend to feel guilty about it once in a while.

The main point is that one of her first tasks of the morning is, apparently, to jump on my head. If I don’t immediately respond, this behavior will escalate to face-nips. Apparently I need to be up good and early in the morning to… continue not going to work, or something.

The job hunt fruitlessly continues, yes. One of the downsides of a small town is that, eventually, you do run out of new places to hit up for a job. At that point, I think you’re supposed to lurk around buzzard-like and wait for someone to kick it or retire. I’ve been contemplating using the time to head over to the University and resume studying up on whatever it is that I do. Either that, or go for a complete vocational shift into whatever it is that appeals the most to Leggy Blonde Co-Eds.

Fire off your scintillating insights, inquiries, and inquisitive insightful scintillations to trav@spinn.net

Trav Flatt

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