Flattland - "Important Ferret News!"

Here at Seahawks.NET, it's all about one maxim: "Give the people what they want!" To that end, our very own Trav Flatt returns us to a land where ferrets are shot through tubes with the force of air compressors. Are we customer-centric or WHAT???

It has been brought to my attention that, as a sportswriter, I have been spending entirely too much time writing about sports. Multiple dedicated readers have taken valuable time away from their closely supervised craft projects to inform me that I have been shamelessly lax in reporting urgent updates on the state of affairs regarding, for example, ferrets.

This came as quite the surprise, considering that I had not been aware that I had multiple readers. Thank you for your concern! I will most assuredly take time today to point out some fascinating ferret-related items of interest coincidentally brought to my attention by reliable reader “Les”.

But first, I have a couple of major gripes.

Firstly, why do the Seahawks DO this? Did they just not –like- an entire offseason worth of optimistic fans, overcrowded bandwagons, Super Bowl projections, and National Media attention?

The Rams loss was stupid, yes, but somewhat forgivable. The Patriots loss was actually anticipated, and the Hawks managed to fight back just hard enough to win some respect among New England faithful if not their own fans. However! I can’t find a single bright spot anywhere in a loss to the Cardinals. Good defense this, Coach Green that, Fitzgerald and McCown blah blah blah…it’s the (Insert Profanity Here) CARDINALS! AUGH!

Okay, I’m calm now, really. Though, there are few pains greater than having the local Cowboy fan persons asking me, “So! How about them Cardinals? Har!”, and knowing deep down that…I cannot say a thing. Sure, I could assault them with a crab fork, but what has THAT ever accomplished?

Secondary Backup Gripe: I have been waiting quite patiently for a refund check from my State Employee tenure for what is sneaking rapidly up to three months, now. I have received numerous promises from the highly competent people at P.E.R.A. which, despite their high-caliber display of efficiency, does actually NOT stand for ‘Persons Emulating Retarded Apes’. These promises have all gone unfulfilled.

Each week without fail, I call and get the same response: “Oops! Ha ha! We seem to have overlooked something. You’ll get your check next week, at the latest!” I’ve come to learn that this means: “Let’s see you try to GET it from us, you loser-head! Neener neener!”

I would quite like to think it is malice that has the people (loose use of the term, yes) trying to destroy my financial well-being. At least then I would have some sort of Moral Crusade. As it stands, though, I strongly fear that these individuals simply have the collective IQ of an educationally disadvantaged sheep.

Stupidity, dear readers, is simply a force of nature. Trying to reason with it will not impede its path of ignorant destruction. Meanwhile, I’m getting hosed out of the apartment I had arranged to inhabit, one new vehicle, guitar repair, and countless journalistic beers.

Important Ferret News!
Not that it is any less weird, but I need to clarify that I do not have any particular direct fascination with ferrets. I have an indirect fascination with people who seem to be fascinated with ferrets. It is a minor distinction, but my actual interest in ferrets themselves is generally limited to how far they can be fired from a ferret-racing tube should an air compressor be utilized.

Thanks to Les, I have discovered an individual who is quite possibly the most ferret-fixated person on the entire planet. Apparently, Reader Les stumbled upon a library reference to something called, “The Ferret Chronicles” by one Richard Bach.

I looked into the matter, assuming that Mr. Bach had merely been trying to be funny. I thought he had written a book entitled, “The Ferret Chronicles”. One book with the literary concept ‘Ferret’ in the title, possibly about something entirely different, was my thinking.

No! It turns out that there are actual chronicles. No less than four books make up the Ferret Chronicles, starring main characters who are, apparently, ferrets. A Richard Bach fan site reveals the following informative references:

“Rancher Ferrets on the Range”
“Writer Ferrets: Chasing the Muse”
“Rescue Ferrets at Sea”
“Air Ferrets Aloft”

These ferrets seem highly adventuresome and artistic, though one would have to invest greater research time to discover if Ferret-Legging is in any way involved. “Trouser Ferrets of the Tavern”? “Football Ferrets on the Field”?

I encourage all of you helpful readers to write to Mr. Bach, encouraging him to expand the Ferret Chronicles. Such a literary treasure can NOT be allowed to fade away. Additionally, I strongly encourage you to visit the New Mexico P.E.R.A. office and administer super glue to their toilet seats.

Fire off your scintillating insights, inquiries, and favorite Ferret Chronicle to trav@spinn.net

Trav Flatt

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