Flattland: "Attack Of The Wienerheads!"

"So, in less than six months after thinking this game could be some great playoff preview, we find ourselves faced with the Weenie Bowl on Monday Night Football. It's pretty damn hard to be enthusiastic about this Seattle team right now."

At the beginning of the season, my Cowboy fan friend and I had circled 12/06 on the calendar. It was supposed to be one of those games potentially Telling the Tale of the NFC. No reason not to think so, really. After all, both teams had a sniff of the playoffs last year. Seattle had turned into the media darling ‘Surprise Super Bowl’ pick of the year, to boot!

Instead, the Cowboys are in the toilet (Let’s be honest, here. This was not -entirely- unexpected.) and the Seattle Seahawks are stumbling through one of the most frustrating seasons I as a fan can remember. Whereas last season there was a couple games we could claim were robbed… and keep a straight face while arguing it. This season we’re going into the final stretch at 6-5. Truth be told, I can’t even SAY that the Seahawks are 6-5 without thinking that we should actually be 5-6. We can’t forget about the week before the Bills handed us our asses. That’s right: The game we had to luck out in order to prevail over the hapless Dolphins.

So, in less than six months after thinking this game could be some great playoff preview, we find ourselves faced with the Weenie Bowl on Monday Night Football. It’s pretty damn hard to be enthusiastic about this Seattle team right now.

After countless years of hearing a follow-up question of, “Why?” or, “Are you a moron?” after answering the, “Who’s your favorite team?” question, we Hawk fans finally had a product we thought we could be proud of at the beginning of the season. When’s the last time even one of the talking heads predicted a Seattle Super Bowl Championship? After turning all heads in their direction before the start of the regular season, it’s been looking like the Hawks merely wanted to look mediocre before a larger audience.

I now have friends who, before this season, would technically forget that Seattle had a football team coming up to me and randomly asking, “What’s wrong with your team? Aren’t they supposed to be… Well, good?”

It’s tough to counter with “But…but we’re leading the division! And… uh… we’ve got a winning record!” when it’s so flagrantly obvious that whatever team that’s been taking the field since loss number one doesn’t deserve to be leading anything. It’s what we’re ALL thinking, I suppose; “Just what the hell is wrong with our team?” I don’t know about y’all, but I personally am sick of hearing the word ‘potential’. Sooner or later, someone has to start realizing their potential or… guess what -- wasn’t any potential to begin with.

That’s actually the most football thought I’ve been able to produce in days. Due to some sort of Hideous Snorting Death Plague, the majority of my thought process has been more along the lines of, “Hnnrf.” and occasionally, “Pfeh.” Up until a few days ago, I had been quite lucky in staving off the Hideous Snorting Death Plague. I think the entire city of San Angelo has been afflicted the past couple of months. Can’t even head into a Wal-Mart without hearing every other person emitting congested yak noises. At least Chike the cat and I have finally gotten around to moving into our new base of operations in time for me to curl up in a corner and die in peace.

I don’t have the luxury, though, of curling up and dying just now. Instead, I have to be in to work. Don’t worry, though! Even though I work with food products whilst afflicted with the Hideous Snorting Death Plague, rest assured that I wear gloves. As I learned in Microbiology, pathogenic microorganisms will crawl -inside- latex gloves safely away from any nearby food products should you hack on them (the gloves). Also, the three-second rule is microbiologically sound.

Now I personally don’t eat in restaurants, anymore, but that’s merely coincidence.

But I digress from my primary point, which is that the Seahawks have been playing like overrated, overpaid wienerheads. Hawks, we’re sick of hearing about just needing that one final piece, and we’re tired of things being ‘right around the corner’. For the past two weeks, you haven’t even measured up to ‘mediocre’, you’ve exhibited unmitigated suckitude. This team is in need of either a drastic turnaround before the season is over, or a drastic reshuffle afterward.

The NEW place to fire off your scintillating insights, inquiries, and Hideous Snorting Death Plague remedies: flattman@earthlink.net.


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