POST-MORTEM INVESTIGATION IN THE CASE OF 2004 SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
DECEDENT: Seattle Seahawks 2004 season
AGE: 29 seasons
IDENTIFIED BY: All persons who watched the season
DATE AND TIME OF DEATH: Saturday, January 8, 2005 approx. 1700
MANNER OF DEATH: 27-20 loss to the St. Louis Rams at Qwest Field
CAUSE OF DEATH: Undecided; immaturity and gumption are key culprits
1. 29-year old organization pronounced DOA.
2. Contributing symptoms include: injuries, pass rush anemia, dropped passes,
contrived blitz schemes, poor defensive coaching adjustments and a general hesitancy
to step up and align potential with performance.
3. Coroner strongly urges that organizational changes be made to prevent future
GENERAL APPEARANCE: Considerable wear and tear. Systemic loss
of key personnel on the defense. Players losing the battle in the "age"
vs "performance" metric. Vast amounts of potential and capability without
the necessary brain, bone, cell and muscle structure to adequately support output.
ROUTINE EXTERNAL EXAMINATION: Front office contributed greatly
to this untimely death. Investigation revealed that most players are not ready
(or are unwilling) to achieve their potential. Defensive coordinator over utilized
tired/obvious soft coverage and zone blitz schemes. Defense as a whole shows long-term
symptoms consistent with ineffective pass rush, which we believe to be a catalyst
for most of the trauma. Extremities exam identified dysfunctional hands on offensive
side and weak knees for the whole team.
ROUTINE INTERNAL EXAMINATION: Not able to find a heart, with the exception
of a few select players. Stomach area seems small as compared to requisite levels
for a successful football team.
TRACE EVIDENCE: Scant levels of hope discovered. A well worn
defensive playbook was discovered at the scene of the crime. However, the only
pages found included "Zone Blitzes" and "Soft Zone Coverage."
We found it highly peculiar that there were no other pages included in this document.
Strangely enough, the opponents offensive playbook was also discovered and it
was a single-page document inscribed with the following: "Run the same plays
we always do against the Seahawks, they can't stop us." No presence of a
functioning special teams unit noted -- may be attributable to ancillary issues
noted in CNS (Central Nervous System).
TOXICOLOGY: Considerable amount of unidentified vapor in blood
stream (some kind of neurotoxin manufactured in St. Louis, Missouri). Preliminary
lab results screen positive for "whoop-ass." It appears someone used
the whole can. CORONER'S NOTE: neurotoxins are defined
as "poisons used by animals for protection against predators or for capturing
prey." Taxonomy species identified as Ovis aires,
more commonly known as the domestic sheep. Specifically, this animal appears to
be the uncastrated male variant, also known as a "Ram." This animal
is particularly effective in its application of "whoop-ass" when cornered
by birds indigenous to the Northwest region.
X-RAYS: P.U.O. (Passive Unidentified Object) noted. Tentative
cell analysis identifies the object as "pride"...could it have been
MICROSCOPIC EXAMINATION: Representative sections of major team
components have been obtained and routinely processed into mainstream print media
for histological examination. These will be reviewed during the upcoming off-season
to determine free agent and draft needs.
CLOTHING AND VALUABLES: Sweat soaked/blood stained sea blue jerseys
and pants. Apparent cleat marks noted all over the back of both the jerseys and
INTERIM CAUSE & ANALYSIS/CONTRIBUTING FACTORS:
(1) Too many skill players did not play up to their talent level.
(2) Defensive scheme and cognizant components needed replacement well before time
(3) Inability of defense to come up with critical stops in 3rd down situations
(problem seems to be endemic).
(4) Lack of a game breaking playmaker at the wide receiver position.
(5) Special teams play not commensurate with professional level (no evidence of
blocked kicks or return touchdowns throughout the 2004 campaign). Examiner noted
he has rarely seen special teams in this poor of condition.
(6) Questionable leadership development.
TATTOOS/MARKS(1): Branding located on torso...some kind of prophetic
poem: "We can still get this thing done/we are just so young"
Greg Renick is a writer for www.talkhawks.com,
and his articles are syndicated to Seahawks.NET. Feel free to contact Greg at
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