Flattland Q & A

"Naturally, there are always a few companies who endeavor to deliver some artistic and/or meaningful message in their ad. It's safe to say that the vast majority of people like myself ("Guys") find these commercials inordinately stupid. I am more partial to, for instance, the one involving the squirrel biting the dentist in the crotch area."

Ferret. Har. Okay, see you next week!

Oh. My creative director has informed me via a series of eloquent meows that I am cutting it a little bit short on the word count. Let’s face it, though. This is hardly an interesting time of the year for me, Seahawkwise. I’m not even particularly interested in this year’s Super Bowl due to the inexplicable yet inevitable Super Bowl team to annually host the two playoff teams I find least interesting.

Don’t get my wrong, what the Pats have done in recent years is certainly impressive. More importantly, though, I do not care. I’m not a Patriots fan. I’m just some random guy halfway across the country who is getting pretty tired of seeing the AFC burp up the same representative year in year out. I wanted to see Big Ben and the Steelers.

Over in the NFC, I was pulling for the Falcons by merit of them humiliating the St. Louis Sheep Excrements.

So, it’s established where this objective journalist stands in the grand scheme of team bias. From this, it isn’t difficult to determine which facet of the upcoming Super Bowl I will find most fascinating: The chance that a naked boob will appear on national television.

I’m kidding (Now that I think of it, though…). Of course, I’m talking about the commercials. I’m generally fond of commercials, because it’s programmed designed for my particular attention span. Give me sixty seconds, I’ll say, “Har.”, then change the subject. Excellent programming. Come Super Bowl time, though, they really put some effort into it due to the fact that a sixty-second Super Bowl advertising spot costs roughly the Gross National Product of Chad.

Naturally, there are always a few companies who endeavor to deliver some artistic and/or meaningful message in their ad. It’s safe to say that the vast majority of people like myself (“Guys”) find these commercials inordinately stupid. I am more partial to, for instance, the one involving the squirrel biting the dentist in the crotch area. If it involves small woodland creatures wreaking havoc, I’m in.

I never remember what the actual product being advertised technically is, so I suppose that defeats the purpose of advertising. Still, I generally find myself entertained, so it is money well spent on my part (i.e. None).

And that pretty much summarizes this columnist’s take on this year’s Super Bowl. To me, it’s one of the least interesting matchups in recent Super Bowl memory. Thus, I move on now to the imaginary mail bag.

Q: Trav, speaking of Super Bowl Commercials, which I managed to intuit you were going to do before publishing in order to send in this urgent inquiry, whatever happened to the Budweiser Ferret?

A: I’m glad you asked. The Budweiser Ferret is certainly keeping busy, as famous ferrets are wont to do. The first current project I unearthed was this particular commercial actor’s modeling career. At www.ferretware.com (Yes) you can now purchase, for only $34.95, the “Budweiser Ferret Takes Center Stage” figurine. Additionally, it seems that the Budweiser Ferret was named, “Ferret of the Century” in a press release for Modern Ferret magazine (Yes, and Yes). Mary Shefferman points out the very valid points that, “he embodies the best traits of domesticated ferrets: he's socially adept, an enthusiastic dancer, and very cute. In addition, he projects his positive image into millions of homes…” You probably think none of that actually happened.

Q: Trav, I understand that there is urgent news in the fascinating field of Stripper Regulation.

A: Firstly, this is not a question. Secondly, you are correct. Proving that Californians have entirely too much free time, a case involving the notion that a certain regulation was ‘unconstitutional’ made it to the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals. Much as our Founding Fathers would have been by this flagrant violation of the Constitution, I am appalled to hear that it has been ruled that strippers are forced to remain at least two feet from patrons. The Court conceded that they (the strippers) were not entirely banned from “conveying erotic messages”.

Q: Trav, is there anything floating around in World Events involving aggression in small creatures?

A: Of course. Oklahoma State Senator Frank Shurden has been diligently pouring tax dollars into his crusade to make cockfighting safer in order to re-legalize it. The Senator, with or without the involvement of alcohol, has conceived the notion that cockfighting would be acceptable if, and I must quote this in order to fully capture the image… “…proposed that roosters wear little boxing gloves attached to their spurs, as well as lightweight, chicken-sized vests configured with electronic sensors to record hits and help keep score.” With a keen eye open for historical precedent, Senator Shurden has been quoted as saying, “It's like the fencing that you see on the Olympics, you know, where they have little balls on the ends of the swords…”

Q: Trav, what are those little balls called? Additionally, do you not find it entertaining that “little balls” and “cockfighting” appear in the same article?

A: Actually, from what I can discover about fencing (Which took longer than what I could discover about the Budweiser Ferret), they use no such devices. Apparently, there is now in use an electrical assembly at the point which records hits in foil fencing. However, there is such a thing in fencing called a ’Baudry Point’. This is a collar affixed to the point of a live epee point to “…prevent dangerous penetration.” I cannot address the second question. One question per submission, please.

Q: Trav, what the hell does ANY of this have to do with Seahawks Football? I mean come ON, what the (BLEEP)!?!

A: Fire off your scintillating insights, inquiries, and studies in stripper case law to flattman@earthlink.net

Trav Flatt


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