Flattland: "Great King Rat"

He's baaaaaack! After a hiatus that lasted far too long, super-humorist Trav Flatt returns to Seahawks.NET and gives his take on various animal-related happenings (yes, ferret references aboud), life in Texas, and...oh, yeah - some Seahawks Talk as well!

Have you ever had one of those days, you know, where you’re stuck at work for, say, the eleventh consecutive day since your last day off? You're there trying to do three jobs at the same time because, well, you’re moron enough to put up with being The Guy Always Saddled With Multiple Jobs and you keep saying you’re going to tell them to cram it up their nether orifices and walk out but it’s really just hyperbole because deep down beneath the Devil May Care is a genuinely responsible human person who doesn’t want to just whimsically stride out of the workplace without a two-week notice and another job already lined up. Oh! Oh! And THEN, once you’re caught up to having only TWO jobs left, the fill-in manager guy comes along and wonders why one of the three jobs hasn’t been done in the Allotted Par Time and the only intelligent thing you can think of in response is something along the lines of patiently explaining to him that he can bite your...? Er...

Perhaps it’s just me.

Suffice to say, life has ranged from moderately to inordinately hectic as of late. Having gotten out of class for the summer, my workplace has decided that I need to go on the Psychotic Evil Enduro-Marathon of Work Schedules. I haven’t even been able to track important ferret-related events, much less actual football-related happenings.

It’s not all been whiny doom and gloom excuse material, though. I have at times been genuinely slacking from my duties as Intrepid Texas-Based Seahawk News Reporter (Oh, by the way; Report from Texas is as follows: No local Seahawk news. Thank you.) I’ll grant that a good deal of my time has been spent productively hanging out with Leggy Girlfriend Audra, and… well, let’s face it: She’s way cooler than you are, so neener.

In unmitigated spite of all of the above, Flattland is back! Prepare for more in-depth analysis about your beloved Seattle Seahawks! Right here on Seahawks.NET! Very little of it is likely to come from me! Yay!

The long dark night of the off-season continues to plod along, and from the looks of things, the Hawks are going to be having quite a few new faces on the field this year. Numerous players, the names of whom I am entirely too lazy to look up at this point, have been signed… and then there are those who have been cut loose.

I was sort of expecting to see either Chad Brown or Anthony Simmons cut loose, though I certainly didn’t expect to see BOTH of them on the free agent list. Stopping to reflect upon the moves, though, I do like the Big Picture of the way things have been shaping up this summer. If we can get sixteen games out of Sharper, I’m happy to have traded that for another likely half season from each Brown and Simmons. For the price tag they were both toting, I can see how a Team Owner might want to see a little more durability.

As for the Draft… well, I could sit here and prattle on with the glorious insight one gains in talking about a thing after-the-fact, but that’s what the REAL sports writing persons are for. It's not entirely that it was, I feel, one of the least interesting draft classes in recent memory, it's just that I’m primarily here to periodically enrage the nation’s Ferret Lobby Groups which, despite the lack of any particularly good reason, actually exist.

That was a joke, Ferret Lobby Persons! Har! Please don’t sue me!

In any event, I’m not entirely certain why I decided to choose THIS week to put in the time to write up a column thing. This is quite possibly the worst week in terms of random free time I’ve had in a good while. I’m on the tail end of a twelve-day ‘Who Needs Days Off?’ run at work, my formerly noble T-bird crapped out and now lies quivering at a local radiator repair shop being tended by a guy named, “Nub” (Yes. “Nub.”), and come that elusive day off, Audra and I are heading off for a one-day trip to Dallas for the highly vital purpose of seeing Better Than Ezra.

Perhaps I should explain… I know I’m supposed to be saying something footbally and I’m running out of space here to keep running off on pointless tangents, but… Huh. Now that I think of it, that’s pretty much what I left off doing. Anyway! Maybe it’s just the youngsters at work, but when I keep trying to brag about getting to go see Better Than Ezra live, nobody seems to know who the hell I’m talking about. I mean, come ON! It’s BTE, baby!

Who could NOT be aware of Kevin Griffin’s stirring lyrical stylings?

“Ah-hah, it was good, living with you, whoa-whoa, ah-hah, it was good…”

“Me and you got a lot to do, go rolling from Friday to Sunday noon …”

“So, I get drunk and stoned every time you come around. Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

Maybe it’s because I ambled over the speed bump of 31 years old during my .NET hiatus… “30” always seemed more an abstraction than an actual age, but once that second digit clicks into place, it seems a bit more real… BUT -- I’m compelled to say something along the lines of, “Damn kids these days! They don’t even KNOW about -real- music!” Then I harumph a lot and whap at them with my walking stick while my hearing aid feedback is throwing the neighbor’s dog into paroxysms.

In any event, I really need to get back to my main, football-related point, which was…

Okay, but FIRST, I have to fill you all in on the Giant Killer Death Rats. I had noticed GKDR corpses near the roads crossing over various bodies of water, but I couldn’t figure out exactly what they were. My brain just insisted, “That was a beaver,” due to the stature of the creatures in question. By chance, Audra brought up an incident where one of the Giant Killer Death Rats actually stole her fishing pole. Yes. It was in that particular conversation that I learned of the existence, as well as the local population, of the “Nutria”: (http://www.nationaltrappers.com/nutria.html)

I’ll at this moment point out (unnecessarily) that there are no Pro-Nutria Lobby Organizations. However, if there were, I would be tempted to buy their bumper stickers. (“Save the big honking rat!”)

They would have been roughly as popular as the “Keep K-Rob in Seattle Foundation”. There’s a football-related issue to go out on. Not so long ago, I spent an entire column basically calling Jerramy Stevens a great big stupid-head. Considering how many more chances Koren has been given to realize that one can not spend one’s entire life with one’s head up one’s butt… Well, suffice to say Stevens got a rip generated due to frustration regarding his potential. I don’t really see the ‘potential’ side with regard to Robinson, anymore.

No. Before his release, I was down to mildly vexed resignation. K-Rob is what K-Rob is, and it would take a rather severe deforestation project to match the number of times he’s supposedly Turned Over a New Leaf. Later, K-Rob.

Fire off your scintillating insights, inquiries, and giant rat sightings to flattman@earthlink.net

Trav Flatt


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