Flattland: "Weltmeisterschaft der Bärte!"

Back on board for another season of weird sports, football follies and ferret documentation, Seahawks.NET's Trav Flatt investigates many subjects and corresponds with his scores of imaginary readers in a long-awaited return.

Greetings from Texas, Loyal Readers (i.e. Dave)! It’s been quite a while since I’ve had the opportunity to write any sportsy analytical stuff. Come to think of it, that includes my last two or three dozen columns… In any event, I have returned and am overjoyed to have done so.

By far the greatest motivating factor behind my return to the regular weekly column would have to be: Journalistic Beers. No, wait. That’s more of an auxiliary factor. The actual primary factor has to do with my girlfriend being a Loyal Reader and having cut me off until I returned to the keyboard. Due to a very impressive coincidence, this happened to coincide with precisely enough free time to sit down and put together a column. (Note to Other Loyal Readers: This method is not likely to be as effective for you, personally. Not even you, Dave.) (Note to Editor Doug: This applies to you as well.) (Editor’s Note: Thank GOD.)

On to business! Due to the extended downtime here in Flattland, it is only appropriate that we begin again with yet another informative Q & A session with our many imaginary readers.

Q: Trav, what do you think has been the most unfortunate of the Seahawks’ off-season roster changes? ~Art Gilknut, Dead Horse, AK.

A: My biggest complaint of the summer has to do with the loss of one Chike Okeafor. The key concern for me is that my cat Circe is no longer able to bear the moniker, “Chike”. I believe it’s been at least a couple of years since, at a vital .NET Staff Meeting-Type Event, some person pointed out, “You should call your cat Chike.” I took this imperative to heart, and it saddens me that ‘Bryce’ just doesn’t have the same ring to it. However, I am inspired by the potential generated by ‘Lofa Tatupu’.

Q: Trav, have there been any Exciting Developments over at the Worldwide Establishment for Investigating Ridiculous Diversions? ~Verbyl Belch, Medical Lake, WA.

A: Absolutely! We at W.E.I.R.D. are always on the job. As with the vast majority of the eccentric sports we have covered, this one also hails from England. In the exciting sport of “Dwile Flonking” (Yes.), the object appears to be for one drunk to hit another drunk with a beer-soaked rag tied to the end of a stick.

We have yet to discern the purpose of this, though we are coming to the conclusion that English Pubs are filled with individuals with even more free time than ourselves.

If that is not sufficiently stupid for you, then do feel free to investigate Extreme Ironing ("The latest danger sport that combines the thrills of an extreme outdoor activity with the satisfaction of a well-pressed shirt") . Our money, however, is on the World Beard Championships in Berlin. (German translation: "Weltmeisterschaft der Barte!").

Q: What?! Isn’t there anything with ferrets? ~Bruno Klang, Flat, TX.

A: Things have been suspiciously quiet on the ferret front.

Q: Trav, are there any Important National Events coming up right there near yourself? You know, in Texas, I mean. ~Eunice Hornswaggle, Humptulips, WA.

A: I’m glad you asked. In less than two short months, the Fifth Annual Bigfoot Conference is coming to Jefferson, TX. Significant points to keep an eye out for while perusing this site include Loren Coleman’s quote regarding the Conference, the name “Craig Woolheater” (Yes.), and ’Pacific Northwest Field Research Techniques’ man Rick Noll’s unfortunate hair.

Q: Trav, aren’t you supposed to be talking about football or something? ~Richard Radon, Weed, NM.

A: Good point.

Back on the Football Front

I really wanted to stay away from this subject, but… Terrell Owens is quite possibly the most irritating Football Figure to come into the spotlight in my own history of football fandom. I realize that this particular horse is long dead, so I’ll just offer up this bit of unsolicited and inexperienced advice: If you sign a seven-year contract, could you perhaps at least honor a couple of years of it before beginning the renegotiation histrionics? Please?

I wanted to try and see things from the “Other Side”, though, so I spent a bit of time browsing www.terrellowens.com to attempt to see TO’s side of the story. There is a section displaying the many (sort of) letters of support TO has received from his fans.

Pertinent Quotes include:

“Hope your groin feels better.”

“I get so frustrated and so sick of hearing the media constantly reticule (sic) you...”

“If you need some ideas for touchdown celebrations I know a few.”

“My name is Delmar from Detroit.”

Additionally, one may visit the Terrell Owens Store and purchase Authentic Plastic TO Cups (With TO’s personal logo. Yes, really.) for a mere $8.00.

In the end, though, TO isn’t exactly “bad”. Note above, I said “Irritating”. That’s about as far as it goes. I’ve yet to hear any stories about him, for example, driving drunk whilst beating his wife with the butt of the AK-47 he keeps under the seat. There are certainly far worse ‘character issues’ popping up here and there in the NFL, though TO seems to catch the majority of the bad press. Sure, he’s annoying. He’s a bit of a whiny-ass with a penchant for painting himself as a hapless victim, without a doubt.

However, he’s no Rae Carruth.

Fire off your scintillating insights, inquiries, and “You Know You’re a TO Fan If…” jokes to flattman@cox.net

Trav Flatt

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