The Seahawk Soap Opera

Perhaps it was bad swordfish, or that peyote he took in the '70s. Whatever sent our own Mark Olsen on a recent predictive binge, he's back from the wilderness with several Miss Cleo-level insights into the possibilities held by the Seahawks' 2006 season. As always, remember: No wagering!

One would think that the drama would have subsided this off season after the “eventful” loss by the Seattle Seahawks to the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XL. Most off-seasons consist of some player movement in free agency and sometimes some front office turmoil, but generally this type of ebb and flow will stay somewhat tame until the new season begins: But not this year.

The Seattle Seahawks have gone through the most dramatic and intriguing off-season of their 30 year existence. Since the final gun sounded for Super Bowl XL, the Seahawk roster has been kept mostly in place, but some key pieces to the offense and defense were added and lost over a very active free agency period. Most notably was the addition of uber-linebacker, and former NFC West rival 49’er, Julian Peterson and the dramatic “poison pill” slap-fest that inevitably lost the NFL’s best Offensive Guard, Steve Hutchinson, to the Minnesota Vikings.

So after this kind of drama, it’s hard to imagine anything more exciting than the previous two months of activities, but I’d like to do just that. So, I’ll bring out my crystal ball and present to you a list of upcoming Seahawks off-season activities that I speculate will take place prior to the kickoff of the 2006 NFL regular season.

• After months of hemming and hawing, future Hall of Fame QB Brett Favre announces in a Green Bay Packer press conference that he will be retiring from the team. The next day, he signs a one-year contract with the Seattle Seahawks, not as a QB, but as a punter. The Seahawks put him in on 4th and long situations to take the snap and throw the ball 60 yards downfield where it’s fair caught by the opposing team.

• Former Texas Longhorn Vince Young is invited to a private workout with the Seahawks, but is forced to cancel when he doesn’t show up at team headquarters. Young is later found in the nation’s capitol wandering around after taking a flight to the wrong Washington.

• Free agent DBs Ty Law and Charles Woodson are invited to team headquarters to vie for a contract with the team. Rather than work out for the team, they choose to debate, “Yo’ Mamma” insult-style. Law is offered a 4 year deal after Woodson sprains his ankle after a “Yo mamma is so fat” insult goes awry.

• During the draft, Seahawk fans are outraged when the team trades its first, second and fourth round picks, along with linebacker LeRoy Hill, to the NY Jets for their #4 pick. With the pick, they select Ohio State OLB A.J. Hawk. GM Tim Ruskell is later asked why they made such a bold move, and he answers “The guys’ last name is Hawk. The merchandising alone is worth half our defense.” The entire draft is later nullified after it is found that the real Tim Ruskell had been kidnapped by former GM Bob Whitsitt and Whitsitt had made an entire “Mission Impossible” style mask and body suit to impersonate Ruskell during the draft.

• Head Coach Mike Holmgren signs a 4-year extension with the Seahawks. The joy is short lived however as Holmgren is caught partying late that night at a Seattle Pioneer Square hip hop dance club and gets into a scuffle with security after they ask him to remove some of his “bling”. Holmgren places himself on probation, pays himself a $50,000 fine, and suspends himself from training camp.

• WR Darrell Jackson shocks fans and the team when he announces that he’s having a full knee replacement surgery just before training camp. The surgery is a success, but Jackson is livid when he finds out that the replacement knee he was given was donated by retired Portland Trail Blazers center Arvydas Sabonis.

• FB Leonard Weaver holds a tearful press conference apologizing to the Seattle community after causing several young YMCA boys and girls to cry. Weaver was donating time at a youth flag football game when one of the kids handed him the football and he proceeded to stiff-arm several 12-year-olds to the ground on his way to a 21 yard-gain.

• OL Wayne Hunter is released by the team after breaking several bones in his right hand while shaking Paul Allen’s hand after agreeing on a one year deal with the Seahawks.

• QB David Greene misses the first preseason game at Qwest field because security and coaching staff can’t remember who he is or what he does for the team. Punter Brett Favre fills in for the 3rd and 4th quarters, throwing 18 interceptions and 2 touchdowns, but ending the game with a 56.5 net "punting" average.

With an off-season this eventful, the Seahawk faithful may be a bit let down when the season starts, but another Super Bowl run should remedy that fairly quickly.


Mark Olsen writes frequently for Seahawks.NET. Feel free to send him feedback at seahawk94@comcast.net.


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