No, no, no - this isn't the article a lot of my friends, aunts and wife have been waiting for.
It's not the article where I finally own up to my sense of fashion, obsessive cleanliness, excessive shoe collection and overall hygiene. This isn't the time nor the place to officially step out of the closet and tell the world I'm gay. Sorry pooky, you'll just have to keep wondering if you're my Katie Holmes.
The title speaks to a long list I've had on the docket to write about - but just haven't found the time to type to paper. But with Spring halfway over, the draft around the corner and summer approaching its time to start fresh. After this, I'll be fresher than Ted Williams' frozen head.
So, without further ado - here's what I've had stored up for over three months (insert joke here).
Off-Season Needs from an Expert
That's right, I said "expert". Of course, I'm not an official "expert" yet. To be a true expert you have to be balding and obese.
I have the balding thing down, so now all that's keeping me from becoming officially anointed an NFL expert, is the obesity. But, I'm working on that.
There isn't a morning where I don't wake up next to the Burger King on my right holding a pound of sausage, pound of bacon, four slices of cheese garnished with a ½ cup of mayonnaise all gently nuzzled in between two deep-fried, enlarged French toast-sticks. Yumm!
Of course these are needs I jotted down immediately following the Bears game. So, they include draft and free agency needs, regardless of moves subsequent to the game Elliot Gould's kid won with a kick.
Don't Count on Tubbs
Yeah, that's an easy one.
Micro-fracture surgery would be difficult for Kelly Jenning's to come back from, let alone a 300+ pound man like Marcus Tubbs.
Last year, all of us fans watched in horror as a Tubbs-less Seahawks defense became easier to run on than artificial turf. And against teams with nasty interior lineman and powerful running backs, like say hated division-rival the 49ers, by the 3rd quarter the Seahawks defense was more wore down than a prisoner at Abu Ghraib.
While I still have hope for unheralded and oft-injured free-agent Russell Davis (no, not just because we're related) there's a need for at least two more big bodies. I don't know the who, where, or how I just know that we need some help.
Morris, Weaver, or Someone Else
While it's most likely viewed as "forgettable" to Mr. Shaun Alexander himself, last year opened my eyes to his abilities.
In 2005 Alexander rushed his way to a touchdown record, the most yards in his career, a MVP, and a trip to play in his first Super Bowl. Obviously because of the MVP award, the national media clung to the idea that Alexander was the man that made the Seahawks click. But to any knowledgeable Seahawks die-hard that wasn't necessarily the case.
The 2005 Seahawks offense was truly a team effort. Matt Hasselbeck set-up Alexander. Walter Jones made Steve Hutchinson's job easier. Darryl Jackson opened up spots in the zone for Bobby Engram. And so on and so on.
The entire Seahawks offense was the MVP that year, not one individual player.
Yet, by the end of the 2006 campaign, it became clear that Alexander was the best player on the field. Upon his return from injury, Alexander carried the Seahawks into the playoffs. And once the Seahawks arrived into the postseason - Alexander became the unstoppable force.
Against the Cowboys and the Bears, Alexander was hands down the best player on the field for either team, in my opinion. It proved to me, once and for all, that Alexander could carry a team on his back to the promise land. Before last year I had my doubts, but not anymore.
A lot of that late-season and postseason dominance can be directly attributed to the eight-game "rest" Alexander received during that season. For a player and a position that can expect to be running on fumes by week 15, Alexander was fresher than most players on the field.
So next year should we hope Alexander to succumb to another injury in the middle of the season?
No, of course not.
What we can hope for is that Mike Holmgren and his staff realizes that the fresher Alexander is in January the better the chance to play into February.
Until the playoffs, of course.
Find a Way to Let the Cyclone Play
I've been through this in three different articles, so I'll spare most of the details or pros.
Just please, please, please sign a veteran or teach David Green how to play the game. Just find a way to get Wallace on the field.
It's a crying shame that the best athlete on the Seahawks is relegated to carrying a clipboard.
Welcome Back, Brett
A major sports peeve of mine is how many in the sports world, be it fans or media, clamor to verbally push athletes out of the game.
"I don't want to remember him this way" becomes the rallying cry of most when an aging star decides to return or un-retire. "He should of stayed out while on top" the pundits spew.
I've heard such annoying themes as it pertains to Jerry Rice, Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, Emmitt Smith and most recently Brett Favre.
Where does anyone, especially fans or media, get off on telling someone they should retire at a profession? In no other vocation is there someone telling you its time to call it quits.
I don't think any less of Jordan because of his years spent playing for the Washington Bullets (Wizards). Rice is still the great 49er in my mind, not the man who couldn't crack the Denver Bronco line-up during his final training camp. Barkley will be remembered as the man who could dominate from any position on the court with the 76ers and Suns, not the rotund roadblock that played for the Rockets.
If it bothers you seeing Favre's occasional five-interception game, then don't watch or stop being a Packers fan. It's your issue, not his.
It's that simple.
- By the end of the season and into the playoffs it could be argued that Kelly Jennings was the best corner on the Seattle Seahawks defense. Yes, I'm talking to you Trufant.
- Welcome home Jim Mora Jr.! There's may not be a more important off season signing by the Seahawks this year.
- Is there anything more disgusting and pathetic then WIAA's ban on booing? Why don't they focus on more important things, like banning male cheerleaders?
- I hope and pray that Randy Moss gets traded out of Oakland. Say what you will about the man himself, but on the field he's dynamic and fun to watch. He's been wallowing in Al Davis' Tecmo-Bowl, 1984 offense for too long. It's time we see Moss being Moss. I miss watching him.
- For some reason, I get a sense of warmth in my naught spot when Three Six Mafia shouts "Academy Award Winners!" as an accolade to themselves in their new video Doe Boy Fresh.
- While I like Wade Phillips as a coach, and unfortunately think he will succeed as the Dallas Cowboys new poobah, I don't agree with Jerry Jones rationale behind the hire. According to my sources, Jerry Jones chose Phillips because he looks like the lovechild of Bill Parcells and Jimmy Johnson. Eeew - that's just creepy.
- Good for Tubby Smith - spurning the Kentucky Wildcats and vaulting to Minnesota. Smith's been a winner and a class act wherever he's gone the University of Kentucky never deserved him anyways.
- I have no idea why - but I'm really starting to attach to the LA Lakers as team 1a in my heart (OKC/Renton/Las Vegas/New Orleans Supersonics being 1). I'm especially growing attached to the best player in the league, Kobe Bryant. I find myself saying, "it feels wrong but I cant help myself" when rooting for Bryant and the Lakers, like I'm R. Kelly in a restroom.
This sniff has been in my mind for months now.
Sadly, I feel like a straphanger for giving this show the credit it deserves, at a time when intellectuals, comedians, and elitists everywhere are also taking notice.
The art of non-satellite comedic radio has been dead for some time. Stricter corporate policies in the wake Opie and Anthony's infamous "Sex for Sam" incident, Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction, and Don Imus' recent firing have left the radio void of any real laughs.
Nowadays you have to invest in a satellite radio unit to even crack a smile. And while I purchased my XM unit some time ago for the purpose of listening to Opie and Anthony, I soon fell in love with another show.
The Ron and Fez show, on XM Satellite radio and now Free FM all over the country, is undoubtedly the funniest thing going in radio or TV.
Every day you're treated to the dry Seinfeldesque analysis of societal practices. The screams of a dysfunctional staff that pines for attention and adoration. Actual analysis of odd and taboo questions. And more importantly, you're privy to Ron Bennington's brilliance.
"He just sits there with his blank, 1000-yard marine stare shouting brilliantly funny line after brilliantly funny line" comedian Jim Norton once said about Bennington.
Even better? The show that killed under the safety blanket of XM's unrestrictive environment, translates well to terrestrial radio. It's just as funny.
This week's sniff goes to The Ron and Fez show for being the best thing going. Feel free to download the many clips available either on www.923freefm.com (clean) or on www.ronfez.net (XM-Explicit) to find out for yourself.
This week's throat punch is easy.
Two weeks ago we had wall-to-wall coverage of Don Imus' now infamous three dirty words. And this week it's the non-stop coverage of the Virginia Tech massacre.
Each story was deserving of coverage, but not the non-stop coverage we've been subjected to.
Was there nothing else going on? What about Iraq? What about Africa? What about global-warming? What about the sudden disappearance of the common bee?
While the media as a whole gets deserved throat punch for the past fortnight, NBC gets a hearty spin kick to the windpipe for displaying the ramblings, photos and psychotic images Seung-Hui Cho in the wake of the VT shootings.
They left journalistic integrity and societal responsibility at the door in their thirst for ratings.
You gave that troubled prick exactly what he wanted NBC, an outlet.Ryan Davis is an armchair GM with a vibrating recliner. Feel free to e-mail him here.