The Seahawks.NET 2007 Fan Primer

Over the past months, I've wandered a bit from my original role on this site. I'm taking the outlet and myself too seriously, and it shows in my work. The fundamental intent was to add a change of pace to the actual journalistic integrity and analysis offered every day.

I've thrown out some irresponsible analysis, points that took more reach than a Barry Bonds alibi, or just utterly confused and toxic predictions. I'm not a "writer".

Nope.

I'm a mush-bodied, obscene little man who's carved a gimmick in life - being irreverent, tension-building and an overall nuisance.  

I haven't even taken an "over-the-line" shot at Paris Hilton, R. Kelley, or Lindsay Lohan lately.  It's as if I've lost myself, my spirit, and/or my moral compass.  Or, maybe, I've just become my greatest fear, a hack.

At this point I need something sure-fire to tune my brainwaves heading into training camp.  A topic, that unleashes only mischievous belligerence to be coughed out come article time.  I need a muse to protect me from the self-serving, depressing, drugged trips down memory lane.  A topic that will leave analysis and reporting, to those qualified. 

That topic, of course, being spewing smack upon others. 

Specifically, the Seahawks' upcoming 2007 opponents.

All of us must prepare for the upcoming season, not only for the emotional wear and tear it will play on our hearts, but the weekly jihad being warred against those infidels from the inferior, "other", NFL cities. 

Be a "responsible" fan; begin storing up those biting and harsh verbal barbs to throw at opposing fans, now.

While the Seahawks fan base has become delightfully more ruckus and foreboding over the past few years, Seahawks fans aren't quite there yet. 

The "Dial * 12 – Cheer Responsibly" mantra of Qwest, still tastes a bit too sweet for my bitter pallet.  While I haven't personally been booted from Qwest in some time, I've seen far too many instances where uppity "do-gooders" meddled, over hearing a curse word. Such meddling usually results in some poor fans participation in the "Qwest Field Walk of Shame".  i.e. down the stairs, while escorted by Seattle's finest.

For me, a Seattle Seahawks Sunday is an exercise in insanity.  I'm tensed up all day long, prior to kickoff.  On a morphine high a full week after even an ugly win.  Or in a borderline, bi-polar depression a full week after a loss. 

I'm emotionally "all-in".  I have too many chips in the game, for opposing fans NOT to bother me. 

I'm not saying they bother me in a violent or overly derogatory or verbal assault sort of way.  It bothers me that they feel welcome in Qwest, or even showing their ugly mugs at a bar for a road game. 

It bothers me when opponents' fans don't view Qwest Field or Seahawks fans with the same caution and trepidation of "the Link" or "Eagles Fans". 

I can identify with their game day loss of class or dignity, due to overwhelming waves of pure emotion.  They're all in, every time, with emotionally saturated, creativity.  Regardless of the occasionally ugly outcome of their sports fanaticism, Phili's intentions and spirits are genuine. 

Just like a high-schooler, three-knuckles into that first love, the poor choices during that time should be filed under "insanity".  When you feel that strongly about something, it's not always going to pretty.

As I mentioned above, Hawks fans have come a long way since year one of Husky Stadium. During that initial year, the crowd was overwhelmed with software engineers and/or opposing fans. 

Until that day, where Hawks fans can walk that tightrope poetically nuzzled between obscenity and passion (in other words "nirvana"), I'll continue to use this topic to ground myself.   I'll continue to offer up some ideas of where to begin verbally undressing an opposing fan.  Laser-pointing areas of weakness, clichéd stereotypes, or just my general topics of contempt – with the city or characters.  

While other articles have garnered me more e-mails and kind words, still to this day, my favorite article ever scribed, was the original Field Guide to Opposing fans

The only flaw, in my biased view, was scribing the entire guide prior to the kickoff weekend.  By the time the Hawks faced opponents later in the schedule, the missiles launched were aged and trite.  This year, I'll take on the Hawks' 13 opponents in thirds, insuring the most important games and opponents, late in the year, receive the attention they deserve.

Hopefully, even offering a part of the Field Guide will focus me for the beginning of the season – leading me back to my original path. 

That path being….smack.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

(Walmartus and IHOPus, humpedis, giving us Tampa Bayis)

Once viewed as the mulleted sister fan base of our beloved Seahawks…ever since being handed a SB trophy by the Raiders' utter ineptitude, these fans have become more volatile.  Easily identified by the Little Debbie filled, Nascar jacket accentuating the "its to expensive to replace Warren Sapp jersey", theses fans are all bark and no bite.

If you happen upon a nasty little one, the easiest way to combat their foolhardy sense of confederacy is by stating "where's Simms' closer, Major Applewhite?", "how's the ARod of the NFL, Galloway workout for you?", or the ever so poignant "don't you have a cheap couch, to set up on some paint cans, in your trailer, for the every-other-day flood?".

Arizona Cardinals

(Neverus be anything other than the Cardinalsis)

Much like the residents of Arizona, Cardinals fans too migrate.  They tend to migrate away from their team, by week four. 

This is caused from the league mandated 1-3 start for the Cardinals, and the realization that Sean Salisbury's greatest contribution to NFL prognostication was the infamous picture on his cell phone.  Whether we're speaking to Salisbury's annual prediction of Cardinals domination, or the shamefully small thing in the picture, neither offers anything big enough to hang a hat on.

If you encounter that ever so rare October Cardinals fan, violating your sanity with their presence, just remind them of the Boomer Esiason era. 

Only the Cardinals bring an albino to work in the desert.

Cincinnati Bengals

(Clevlandus After-birthus)

Enjoying a resurgence as of late, the once hapless Bungles, residing in a dangling, bulbous protrusion from the wrong end of Cleveland, are a team beginning to garner some heat and attention.  But in reality, the team and the fans realize they'll never be anything other than the Bungles.

If you happen to see, the now trendy Cincinnati fan, inform them you're not impressed by Chad Johnson's off-season race against Shannon Sharpe.  And, it's also important, to loudly and sternly remind them that Cincinnati is, 100%, responsible for Jerry Springer (excuse me, former mayor of Cincinnati Jerry Springer).

San Francisco 49ers

(Boundis to fooli o' Analyust)

Ah yes, finally, all the band-wagoners left over from the Joe Montana and Steve Young era have something to shout about. 

Before last year, all 49ers fans had migrated to their alma mater, Cal, to live their clichéd Sideways lifestyles, while watching the Golden "Shower" Bears expel one game a year – sending all them to San Diego for Christmas. 

What all 49ers fans fail to realize is, the crown of "Every Analysts Darling", more times than not, crushes the team and fan base under it's enormous weight.  The 49ers, despite the entire "buzz", are still set to fail.  They will be sent back down to reality – similar to the reality they faced in week 16, losing, at home, to the Cardinals, with the Division -theirs for the taking.

Chances are, the 49ers will be 4-6 or 3-7 by the time the Hawks face them in Qwest.  Most, if not all, of these Fraser Crane/"Miles" Giamatti hybrids will be planning their trips to San Diego for the "Holiday", too busy to partake in a meaningless division game, against a superior opponent. 

If one of these Mark Merlot's does happen to invade your Seahawks Sunday space bubble, be sure to remind them of their owner, Mr. John York "of Thrift".  Yes, the 49ers maybe Cinderella as far as the analysts are concerned, but York can't shake his miserly ways.  The only way he'd buy glass slippers would be if they were zip-tied together in a Wal-Mart bin. 

Pittsburgh Steelers

(Straphangeris)

The official team of all "ham n' eggers", "Joe Lunchpail", and "strap hangers" everywhere, the Steelers and their legion of non-grunge, uncool, flannel donning creeps are formidable in allegiance and quantity.  These fans are easily identified by their Barney Gumbel appearance, Dave Wannstedt moustache, squirrel on their breath, and etiquette of a post-Nam Walken from "The Deer Hunter".

Without question, somehow, someway, you'll be forced in the vicinity of one of these creatures that 1986 somehow left behind.  As I stated last year, the Steelers fan will aggressively reach for SBXL as an opening salvo, during any encounter with a Hawks fan. 

At that point, it's best to explain to said Steelers fan that despite their thinking, the "XL" in SBXL wasn't a marketing ploy by the NFL, indicating sizes customized for their hometown's population, the game itself was.  Trying to explain the Roman Numeral System beyond that point will only further damage and confuse the beast, usually resulting in a fetal position and bloody ears due to over-thinking.


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