Kevin Everett – Continued success in your remarkable
Donovan McNabb – A one-way ticket to
Tony Romo and Tom Brady – Nothing. Your cups have runneth over.
Derek Anderson – A long-term contract.
Purple Jesus – A long and healthy career.
Roy Williams – An interception in Week 17…and that you are horse-collared during the return.
Mario Williams – A tattoo that says "I Told You So".
Mike Holmgren and the
New England Patriots fans who hate Eric Mangini for the "SpyGate" scandal – The ability for them to remember that the Patriots were still owed some payback for Bill Belichick quitting on the Jets in 2000, only to turn up in New England a short time later.
Ron Jaworski – The GM job he's been openly auditioning for each week.
Tony Kornheiser – A muzzle.
Gus Johnson – Prozac.
Rich Eisen – A lifetime membership in "The Player's Club".
Bryan Gumbel – The realization that Al Gore and Frank Gore are, in fact, two different people.
Brian Baldinger – A less frightening pinky finger.
Wayne Huzienga – A do-over after giving a 4-year contract to a serial quitter.
Joey Porter – Two muzzles. (Just in case he breaks the first one.)
This Week: 1-0
Last Week: A gentlemen's 7-9
2007 Season: 108-111-6
Kansas City at Detroit (-4 ½) – By the time this game starts, the Detroit Lions will have gone 49 days during this season without a win. Someone, anyone, please tell me that the "Fire Millen" chants have resumed! Pick: Chiefs +4 ½
Green Bay (-8 ½) at Chicago – A 59.5 passer rating last week against the NFL's 32nd-ranked pass defense sounds about right for everyone's favorite boozehound quarterback with a neck beard. Pick: Packers -8 ½
Philadelphia at New Orleans (-3) – Not even going on the road and quarterbacking the Eagles to an upset win over a vastly superior, hated division rival was enough to keep the issue of Donovan McNabb's future out of the Philadelphia newspapers. Pick: Saints -3
NY Giants (-3) at
This week they'll face Troy Smith, a rookie quarterback from my least favorite college or university, in his 1st NFL start. All I can say is that Seahawks defensive coordinator John Marshall better realize that guys like this need to be rattled. Pick: Seahawks -10
NY Jets at
Washington at Minnesota (-6 ½) – I know I've been all about the Vikings winning out and getting the #5 seed in the NFC Playoffs, but this one has "upset" written all over it. I really like the way Todd Collins is playing, which is something I haven't been able to say since 1993. Coincidentally, that was also the last year I paid for porn. Pick: Redskins +6 ½
Denver at San Diego (-8 ½) – The good news for the Chargers is that they have won four straight games and are heating up at exactly the right time. The better news is that Marty Schottenheimer isn't on the sidelines to screw it up this January. Pick: Chargers -8 ½ (That honor goes to Norv Turner this year.)