Most everyone has heard of Santa Claus. He’s the morbidly obese man who routinely does B&E jobs and law enforcement looks the other way. They don’t know of Santa Claude.
He delivers presents as well. They’re not always tangible gifts wrapped with paper and bows. Sometimes, they’re wishes that are granted. It’s part Christmas. It’s part It’s a Wonderful Life. It’s part Festivus (for the rest of us).
Sources close to the situation have leaked documents from the naughty/nice list of Santa Claude and came up with the Vikings short list of gifts. Seeing as the list is pretty long, our crack research team was fortunate to find so many Vikings on Santa Claude’s appointment calendar.
These are the ones we tracked down.
To Teddy Bridgewater – A continuation in 2015 of the progress he has made during his rookie season.
To Adrian Peterson – An envelope and a P.R. spin doctor to help repair a public image that he has been effectively silent on, allowing him to remain the face of child abuse in the eyes of many. The envelope can be filled with one game check to make things right in the court of public opinion, which has yet to accept a plea deal.
To Matt Kalil – A mental erase button to take away 2014 once it ends. Entering a contract year, Kalil is at a crossroads of his career and getting healthy and back to his former self is needed, which will require not dwelling on what has happened this year.
To Mike Zimmer – Low blood pressure.
To Harrison Smith – A big contract extension with enough guaranteed money to make generous charitable donations to friendly local media.
To Cordarrelle Patterson – A dinner for two between Patterson and his potential. They were hand in hand in 2013. In 2014, they were a long distance relationship that didn’t work. Hug it out!
To Xavier Rhodes – A pair of high-end Oakleys. The future is bright enough he needs protection from the glare.
To Christian Ponder – A good real estate agent. It seems clear that, unless he’s doing work behind the scenes that is wowing the Turners, he’s going to continue his NFL journey somewhere else.
To Blair Walsh – A new pair of shoes. The ones that return his sniper skills from long distance that put him in the NFL record books as a rookie.
To Antonio Richardson – A two-year subscription to Good Health to show what he can do at the NFL level.
To Brian Robison – Oversized novelty ribbon-cutting scissors. A reminder that the next time his locks get cut, they will be required … unless his wife fell in love with the new look. Then, they’re a reminder of his past. Men drool. Women rule.
To Matt Cassel – Understanding of quid pro quo. A year ago, Cassel opted out of his contract to re-sign at a higher wage. Next year, the Vikings will opt out with the expectation of re-signing him at roughly his original contract number. It can be a win-win.
To Kyle Rudolph – 16 games. Contained in one calendar year.
To Eric Sugarman – The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast Blue Ray Boxed Set. He’s spending the next several months dealing with rehab of several players who, when frustrated, are large and dangerous. Keep ’em laughing. Laughter is the best medicine (other than legitimate medicine).
To Cullen Loeffler – Bird-proof glass in the new Vikings stadium. That way more birds make it down to Texas so he can blast them out of the sky.
To Birds – Bird-proof glass at the new Vikings stadium.
Whatever holiday you celebrate – from Christmas to Hanukkah to Kwanzaa to Festivus (for the rest of us) – may your holiday find you happy, healthy and surrounded by those you love.
Who knows what gift is in store for you? Get your mistletoe ready.
Holiday wishes for the Vikings
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