WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN
(HOME OF STAR SEARCHING)
As the dreamer of dreams and a travelin' man, I have chalked up many a mile, read dozens of books about heroes and crooks, And I've learned much from both of their styles. -Jimmy Buffett
Everyone knows that if a rock star cares about sales, the best career move is to die.
Great rock promoters always say, "If you really cared, you would try the heroin … it tastes like chicken!"
Now it turns out that the best career move an unknown football player can make is to pick a fight with a Pro Bowl player just before Monday Night Football.
Kevin Mathis, who has played in the NFL for nine years, is so unknown that he didn't even know he was in the NFL until 8:30 p.m. last Monday night. I didn't either.
Anyway, he picked a fight with Jeremiah Trotter, Pro Bowl linebacker for the Eagles. Both were thrown out and then the Eagles lost.
And Kevin Mathis, subsequently injured for the season this week in practice,
now has a career highlight. When the advertisers start calling him, I declare
modern capitalism has peaked.
VIKINGS AT BENGALS - Carson Palmer has not received the memo that he is a Bengal. Meanwhile, Daunte Culpepper has not received the memo that none of those receivers is Randy Moss. Bengals 22, Vikings 19
JAGUARS AT COLTS - The National Weather Service names a storm after Dwight Freeney. Colts 31, Jaguars 26
STEELERS AT TEXANS - Ben Roethlisberger, with a perfect QB rating last week, has been sent to Earth to torment me. I hope I have enough beer to last until he throws an incomplete pass. But at this point I worry about shortages. Steelers 23, Texans 17
49ERS AT EAGLES - Everything I read in the preseason said the Eagles are the best team in the NFC and the 49ers are the worst. 49ers 20, Eagles 19
BILLS AT BUCCANEERS - Cadillac Williams carries the ball so many times this week that trucking companies ask when naming rights come up. His agent favors U-Haul Williams. Bills 28, Buccaneers 14
RAVENS AT TITANS - Kyle Boller, sitting on the bench with his foot in a cast, plays the best game of his career. He makes no mistakes. Meanwhile, every other play Anthony Wright looks like he is going to the Hall of Fame. Too bad they play all the plays. Before the game, Ray Lewis chokes on another of those body parts always found in the chili at fast-food restaurants. His obituary this week reads, "Ray Lewis chokes again." Ravens 12, Titans 10
LIONS AT BEARS - The Bears are hurting for offense so they bring in the Burger King. But these coaches don't watch tape. The King plays defense. Lions 24, Bears 16
PATRIOTS AT PANTHERS - Panthers fans think of this as a rematch from their Super Bowl two years ago. Panthers fans crack me up. Patriots 30, Panthers 10
RAMS AT CARDINALS - I hate reality television but I recently stumbled upon a show called Breaking Bonaduce and it was train-wreck fascinating in much the same way that this season should be for the Rams and Mike Martz. Cardinals 26, Rams 24
FALCONS AT SEAHAWKS - Kevin Mathis is out for the season so there is a roster opening for a Designated Fighter. Mike Tyson would be perfect. Falcons 38, Seahawks 21
DOLPHINS AT JETS - The Jets install a new play for Chad Pennington to call. The name is, "Would you like fries with that?" Jets 31, Dolphins 7
CHARGERS AT BRONCOS - Warren Zevon once recorded a song called, "Things to do in Denver when you're dead." It's now the Broncos' theme song. Chargers 28, Broncos 7
BROWNS AT PACKERS - America loves to say the words, "Frisman Jackson," but not the announcers. No matter how many great plays Frisman Jaskson makes, all the announcers can talk about is Brett Favre's impending sainthood. Browns 20, Packers 10
CHIEFS AT RAIDERS - Games like this are why God invented football. That's right, I believe in intelligent design. Raiders 38, Chiefs 37
GIANTS AT SAINTS AT GIANTS: Eli Manning grew up in New Orleans so you know he'll be trying hard for the Saints. Saints 24, Giants 21
REDSKINS AT COWBOYS - The Tuna and Drew Bledsoe together again. So warm and fuzzy it's almost icky. Cowboys 30, Redskins 12
A few months ago during my campaign for Pope I went into the woods and yelled, "Vote for me!" Those cardinals pooped on my head.
With my defeat, I have decided to try for the open slot on the Supreme Court.
I hope the president appoints me because I promise to make the correct decision on Woe versus Raid. And though woe is me, I have heard that Raid kills bugs dead. And even if Raid could kill bugs alive, it wouldn't matter because woe is still me.
This column is sponsored by All The News Not Fit To Print.