We ate the food, We drank the wine, Everybody having a good time except you, You were talking about the end of the world. - U2
The first rule of business is: If you want to cheer up your customers, add the words "Bar & Grill" at the end of your business' name. Imagine, for instance, the Serenity Funeral Home Bar & Grill. It just says, Fun!
I bring this up because I worry about fans of losing football teams. Have you ever hung out with a fan of a losing football team?
Imagine being 0-2 right now – a Minnesota Vikings fan for instance. Ha, that's funny. You have a good imagination.
Anyway, have you ever heard of the Cincinnati Bengals? Don't worry, most people haven't. Then a couple years ago the good doctors here at the Crisis Clinic Bar & Grill performed a lobotomy. Now look at them. The Cincinnati Bengals are undefeated. You can look it up in a newspaper, which can be found at most places containing the name Bar & Grill because everyone knows those are the places to find the educated people who vote.
So now people from Detroit are ringing the clinic frantically begging: Please cut out the Joey Harrington part of our brains! And yes, we've already sent doctors to Houston where Chris Palmer has been removed. You can look it up in a newspaper.
At most clinics of this sort, beer is the most popular prescription. But we are a specialty clinic for lobotomies because that's what the customers want. It is half price on Tuesdays. On Mondays, we tend to get a rush.
BROWNS AT COLTS – The Colts defense is one of the best in the league. The Browns offensive line has not yet given up a sack. On this week's episode of the Twilight Zone, Peyton Manning will continue his trek towards mediocrity while Trent Dilfer clears space on his shelf for the League MVP trophy. Browns 24, Colts 17
BUCCANEERS AT PACKERS – When a Packer legend's career is over, a rest area shall be named after him in New Jersey because all bathroom users in Jersey are Packers' fans. Buccaneers 21, Packers 20
BENGALS AT BEARS – Alice has a looking glass! And it's full of whiskey. Bears 30, Bengals 22
BYE AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis goes fishing. At the bait store, the clerk recognizes Lewis as the dead fish who plays for the Ravens. Lewis is mistakenly chopped into chum, which the clerk then uses to catch a big, ferocious shark. When the shark is done eating, it does a cool shimmy dance. Afterward, Brian Billick quietly asks if the clerk if he can do that to quarterbacks.
FALCONS AT BILLS – Michael Vick couldn't practice this week but he said, "As long as I'm getting mental reps, I think I'll be able to go out there and execute the game plan." And that is my philosophy on physical exercise. I do millions of mental reps every day in the donut shop. Bills 20, Falcons 12
RAIDERS AT EAGLES – Celine Dion and Whitney Houston join Randy Moss and Terrell Owens on a special Oprah focusing on Divas. They all wear the same little black dress, causing a catfight. That's Must See TV! Eagles 31, Raiders 28
BYE AT LIONS – Joey Harrington lands a job washing dishes at a bar & grill that used to serve Joey Harrington sandwiches until they caused food poisoning.
JAGUARS AT JETS – Look, Chad Pennington threw a pass. Check back in a week to see if it reached the receiver. Jaguars 29, Jets 14
SAINTS AT VIKINGS – Jim Haslett's been playing the blame game so Barbara Bush called and told him to stop it and appreciate what he has until he is fired. Daunte Culpepper thinks every Sunday is Halloween because all he does is give out treats to the other team. Vikings 19, Saints 17
PANTHERS AT DOLPHINS – Stephen Davis is a reincarnated battering ram. Panthers 24, Dolphins 9
BYE AT TEXANS – Hurricane Rita, following Paul Tagliabue's directive, hits Houston in a bye week. Pray for sun.
CARDINALS AT SEAHAWKS – Kurt Warner has already had the Hall of Fame part of his career. But now he is a Cardinal and he follows the rules and plays like one. Seahawks 22, Cardinals 20
COWBOYS AT 49ERS – It's a bad week to be a bad team facing a Bill Parcells' coached team. For my loyal readers in Turkey, that wasn't thunder you heard last Monday. It was Bill Parcells screaming. Cowboys 31, 49ers 9
PATRIOTS AT STEELERS – Back in 1979 – the "We Are Family" days of the Pittsburgh Pirates - Willie Stargell and Dave Parker had a love child. They really were family. Now, Willie Parker is the NFL's second leading rusher because the kid has athletic genes. But, this week he will meet Bill Belichick's defense. I suspect he hits no home runs this week. Strike three! Patriots 17, Steelers 15
BYE AT REDSKINS – Joe Gibbs said last week's win was one of his biggest ever. Old guys are funny when they talk.
GIANTS AT CHARGERS – Eli Manning sees the San Diego coast and changes his mind about playing there. This week, he gets his wish. He just doesn't play very well. Chargers 26, Giants 13
CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – Both teams have been playing spectacular defense all season. But this is Monday Night Football and show business really is business so light up the scoreboard. You can plug it into John Madden. Chiefs 28, Broncos 24
Hurricanes, floods, wars and a good Cincinnati Bengals football team have all been prophesized as signs of the impending Apocalypse. But I'm not worried and neither should you be. Here's why:
Okay, I can't come up with a good reason not to worry.
But worrying doesn't do any good. What will? Go do something nice for someone and change the karmic balance of Earth. When the Bengals lose, you'll know you've had an effect on restoring order. It used to be easier. All you had to do was breath.
This column is sponsored by Apocalypse Light Beer.