I alone survived the sinking; I alone possessed the tools, On that ship of
- Bob Seger
My name is Dr. Phil, but you can call me Coach.
Welcome to the 2006 Minnesota Vikings boat party featuring milk. You are lucky to get milk. You know that, right? You are luckier than a one-legged dog is to find a skateboard. This year's party is a business trip.
So Oprah, my only suggestion to you after watching game film is that as our quarterback, it would help if you chewed your food before you called plays. As punishment, get your trainer to run four laps around the boat – now!
You, in the back with the funny voice…what's your name? Stephen Hawking? Oh yeah, linebacker, right? Well, unlike our quarterback, you didn't create my career from ether. So, get out of that chair and run your own laps. Now!
As for the rest of you, don't' worry about stories you heard about last year's cruise. Sure, none of those players are here anymore but the reason isn't really because they drowned that day on Lake Minnetonka. That's just the owner dreaming.
CHIEFS AT DOLPHINS – Nature continues to chase the NFL. Okay, you explain all these storms. And please be more creative than some Armageddon explanation - been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. Yes, my "My Ancestors Saw the Apocalypse, and I got is this lousy T-shirt" shirt is cliché. So is thinking the Dolphins don't have a chance. Dolphins 23, Chiefs 20
PACKERS AT VIKINGS – Fans on the boats on Lake Minnetonka were cheering for the Vikings, which is a first. Ha, they scored. Ha? Not funny, huh? Packers 27, Vikings 6
COLTS AT TEXANS – Texans players are with NBA players in fighting the dress code because, really, none of them wants to wear that uniform. Colts 39, Texans 7
BYE AT PANTHERS – Games have been so close all year that the week is spent drinking whiskey in Yoga class.
LIONS AT BROWNS – Joey Harrington is having an MVP-type of season – he could be MVP in any game for the opponents. And the Browns, lacking an MVP candidate of their own, are happy to let Harrington make their best plays. Browns 32, Lions 17
STEELERS AT BENGALS – Chad Johnson's ego is taken hostage by three Steelers fans…at least that's how police explained the warehouse fire. "When combustible personalities get together…," explained Mayor Springer. Bengals 34, Steelers 30
SAINTS AT RAMS – Jim Haslett is right, of course. Paul Tagliabue is totally out to get the Saints. Not only has he told officials to make sure calls go against the Saints, he personally started Hurricane Katrina. Plus, everyone knows that Tagliabue is the surgeon who implanted the chip in Aaron Brooks mind, telling him how to make the worst decisions. Rams 23, Saints 22
BYE AT JAGUARS – A plot to kidnap and kill a Jaguars cheerleader was foiled. What are people thinking? Just buy the calendar!
49ERS AT REDSKINS – Lavar Arrington was caught chewing gum in class so he sits in the corner and pouts. In the next classroom over, the teacher's pet, Alex Smith, gets all the math problems wrong and he spells cat with a "k". Redskins 34, 49ers 6
CHARGERS AT EAGLES – Brutal football is fun football. Eagles 13, Chargers 10
COWBOYS AT SEAHAWKS – Suddenly Drew Bledsoe is tremendous again. Gosh, it took Bill Parcells to figure out this guy needs an offensive line. Go figure. Cowboys 29, Seahawks 28
BYE AT PATRIOTS – While the media prescribe the absolute right answer for Tedy Bruschi, his doctors begin writing columns analyzing the salary cap because everyone is an expert.
RAVENS AT BEARS – While Ray Lewis and Brian Urlacher go out for a pre-game meal of retired running backs in red sauce, Ray orders the O.J. Simpson. Funny thing is, later at the trial, the glove didn't fit. Bears 13, Ravens 12
BYE AT BUCCANEERS – Hurricane Wilma visits. Players think Jon Gruden is giving another speech.
BRONCOS AT GIANTS – Jake Plummer shows those flashes of brilliance while Eli Manning has brilliant flashes and you can count on ex-jock TV analysts to give you thoughts like this. Count on a late Plummer interception. Giants 27, Broncos 24
JETS AT FALCONS – Vinny Testaverde and Roger Clemens are about the same age. I'd bet that Clemens has a better World Series than Vinny has a Monday night but I can't find a retarded bookie. Falcons 37, Jets 10
Ricky Williams, by his pathetic drug-free play this season, continues to prove that marijuana is a performance enhancing drug. Who knew? I mean besides Ricky, The Beatles, Jack Kerouac, Hunter Thompson, and half the NBA.
This column is sponsored by the World Federation of Riff-Raff and Soccer Moms
Brian Tarcy lives in Falmouth, MA.