WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN (Home of Peyton Manning's Visit to a Shrink)
Oh no, not you again; messing up my life
- Rolling Stones
Peyton: Bill Belichick gives me nightmares.
Doctor: Peyton, tell me about your mother.
Peyton: Let me tell you about my father.
Doctor: Go on.
Peyton: He made me throw "out" patterns over and over just because I didn't walk our dog, Blocker. That three-legged mutt was the only blocker Dad ever had, you know.
Doctor: But was it a good childhood?
Peyton: Did you know I have a little brother?
Doctor: Yes! Eli is great! The kid is probably going to win the Super Bowl this year. You must be so proud.
Peyton: When I was bigger than Eli, I could beat him up and that was fun. But one day he was big too and he hit me in the face with a shovel. That's why I look like this and he looks like a movie star.
Doctor: Speaking of movie stars…did you know that Tom Brady is my favorite football player? Say, since you're going to be congratulating him this weekend…
Peyton: I'm going to win!
Doctor: Sure you are. Still, could you get me his autograph? I love how he always wins at the end.
Doctor: Oh Peyton – you were CUTE in that commercial! Everybody says so.
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RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – How do you beat the Chiefs? Ask frustrated Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil: "I'd throw the ball." The Raiders throw the ball. The Chiefs win. That's good coaching. Chiefs 29, Raiders 24
TEXANS AT JAGUARS – Okay, here's a pitch for a new situation comedy: David Carr tries to buy insurance. Jaguars 24, Texans 7
TITANS AT BROWNS – Trent Dilfer continues to lobby hard to get Trent Dilfer put on the bench. He's even hired Scooter Libby. Meanwhile, Ruth Paglowski of Parma is the winner of the team's YOU BE THE PUNTER essay contest with this opening sentence: "I can kick and knit, which is two things your current punter can't do." She averages forty yards a kick, while completing two baby sweaters on the sideline. After the game, Romeo Crennel, who didn't get the name "Romeo" for nothing, says he needs to go home and make a couple of babies. "Anything to keep my punter happy," he says. Browns 19, Titans 10
BYE AT BILLS – A meteorologist predicts that a hurricane, an earthquake, a mudslide, three tornados and a blizzard are forecast for December and Bills fans figure that gives their team a home field advantage for the rest of the season. As always, with this team they'll live with the weather if it gives them wins.
BENGALS AT RAVENS – Brian Billick is so upset with his offense that he tosses his headphones, which land in Gatorade, splashing Ray Lewis in the eye, who then hobbles into the stands blindly where he suffers a fatal head wound from a vendor's toss of a bag of peanuts. Bengals 27, Ravens 17
PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – At halftime, Chris Simms realizes that he isn't playing X-box. It's an important discovery as perception, once again, turns out to be reality. Buccaneers 19, Panthers 14
CHARGERS AT JETS – "J" is for Just, "E" is for Everything, "T" is for That, and "S" is for…… Chargers 100, Jets 3
BYE AT COWBOYS – Keyshawn Johnson buys a Michael Irvin retro jersey.
LIONS AT VIKINGS – Brad Johnson is surprised to discover that not only is he still in the NFL, but he is a starting quarterback. The odd thing is, the same goes for Joey Harrington. Vikings 21, Lions 10
FALCONS AT DOLPHINS – The Dolphins debut the rock-paper-scissors offense: Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams play rock-paper-scissors before each play to see who gets to carry the ball. Dolphins 20, Falcons 16
GIANTS AT 49ERS – Sometimes the NFL makes no sense and I say this is why. Yep, this is my upset special because I'm sick of Eli. 49ers 23, Giants 20
BYE AT BRONCOS – Party at Gerard Warren's house.
SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS – Kurt Warner tries to change his luck so he becomes a pagan and thanks a different statue after each touchdown. He throws three – for a general on horseback, a gnome, and a pink flamingo. Blessed are the pink flamingos, apropos in a game about Seahawks and Cardinals, eh? Cardinals 24, Seahawks 20
BEARS AT SAINTS AT SOMEWHERE… The Bears have a defense and the Saints have a legitimate complaint. When was the last time you saw anyone with a legitimate complaint win? Bears 30, Saints 20
BYE AT RAMS – A bidding war erupts between phone companies for the cell phone contract.
EAGLES AT REDSKINS – Terrell Owens tells everyone that Joe Montana in his best season would be a better quarterback than Donovan McNabb. McNabb throws three touchdown passes to Owens and then vomits because karma does that. Eagles 28, Redskins 25
COLTS AT PATRIOTS – Everything about this game tells me that the Colts will probably win because it's the middle of the season and the Patriots are banged up and the Colts are the best team in football. Then I remember three names: Belichick, Brady, Vinateiri. Go to sleep, wake up to watch Belichick scheme to stop Manning, Brady drive the team down the field, and Vinateiri kick the winning field goal. Yes, I predict football games and I also predict the sun will rise in the East. Some predictions are easy. Patriots 24, Colts 23
I know how it's done in this dirty world. I called up one of my sources and said, "Hey, did you know that I'm an idiot?"
He said he wasn't surprised but was happy that I provided a second source for the information.
"Who is the first source?" I asked.
"How many people do you know?"
This column is sponsored by bird flu recipes.
Brian Tarcy lives in Falmouth, MA. www.briantarcy.com