What's Gonna Happen: Week 13

Tis the time of the season for big games. And big games can only mean that it's time for more pithy commentary on those big games.

In this undiscovered moment, Lift your head up above the crowd, We could shake this world, If you would only show us how, Your life is now
- John Mellencamp

Last week after Michael Irvin dropped me off at home, I decided to solve world hunger by eating many donuts.

For a little while, I wasn't hungry so I thought I had the problem licked but just as I began to clear space on my mantle for the Nobel Prize I became hungry again and I realized that I'd rather solve the energy crisis and maybe spend a couple of minutes on world peace just to get that out of the way too. So I began driving around in my Hummer and thinking about the Cleveland Browns offense. If they could score some points, I thought, I could get some peace.

Of course, the only solution to that problem proved to be a lobotomy. I drove as fast as I could to Wal-Mart, because I saw the flyer and because my pal Herman Edwards said he had a two-for-one special. Yes, I turned down Brian Billick's offer on lessons on how to do it myself because, unlike Billick, I believe that one can actually have too many lobotomies.

Which led to yesterday when I drooled like Brian Wilson and figured it was time to wade into an ethnic conflict or two because my job is to predict football games. But the Cowboys aren't playing the Redskins this week.

Instead, the Cowboys are playing the Giants and that's simply the kind of game, like many of the games this week, that has enormous implications. It reminds me of world hunger, the energy crisis, and peace.

Look, root for your team. But say a bigger prayer. It's the season and I don't think I can solve it all myself. I've run out of donuts.


FALCONS AT PANTHERS – The Panthers are 7-0 when scoring first and the Falcons are 6-0 when scoring first so if you have tickets for the game, just leave after the first score. So can the Panthers defense stop the Falcons offense from scoring first? Not this week. Falcons 21, Panthers 14

BILLS AT DOLPHINS – If you brag and it turns out to be true, you are Joe Namath. If you brag and it turns out to be false, you are Willis McGahee. Dolphins 20, Bills 10

BENGALS AT STEELERS – That the Bengals are involved in a big game is surprising enough. But guess what? They're going to win. Bengals 24, Steelers 14.

COWBOYS AT GIANTS – As each kicker misses field goal after field goal, Bill Parcells and Tom Coughlin perform ritual hari-kari on the sideline. Parcells bleeds gravy. Coughlin, it turns out, has no blood. Cowboys 23, Giants 20

PACKERS AT BEARS – The fairy tale continues and Kyle Orton is halfway through reading the autobiography of Tom Brady. Brett Favre, meanwhile, spends his days watching film of Willie Mays playing for the Mets. Bears 23, Packers 13

TEXANS AT RAVENS – Why? This game is so boring that Ray Lewis forgets to breathe. Fans of both teams wish they could learn that trick. Ravens 9, Texans 6

JAGUARS AT BROWNSDavid Garrard, say hello to Romeo Crennel's mind. Just wait until Romeo has good players on his defense. Meanwhile, Charlie Frye picks up Tom Brady's autobiography and begins reading. Reuben Droughns helps him with the first page. Browns 23, Jaguars 13

VIKINGS AT LIONS – This week, Matt Millen blames Donald Rumseld and Barbra Streisand for his team's problems after Rumsfeld starts another war, and Streisand sings songs from Yentl in a benefit. None of it helps. Like the Lions season, it's just more carnage. Mike Tice, after the game, recommends Millen take his team on a cruise. Vikings 30, Lions 17

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Soon, the Saints will be displaced from the Alamo Dome by women's volleyball players. So next year, each member of the Saints is required to live in a different state and then travel all night to an undisclosed location where they will be met by the other team's chartered luxury airliner. Buccaneers 26, Saints 25

TITANS AT COLTS – If this game was in Tennessee I would absolutely pick the Titans. I still want to pick the Titans. I really do. I am trying my hardest. Look at me strain. Colts 42, Titans 14

CARDINALS AT 49ERSAlex Smith is going to have a good game because … I, um, don't know. Kurt Warner will put up big numbers and lose because that's what he is now. 49ers 27, Cardinals 23

REDSKINS AT RAMSRyan Fitzpatrick, the Harvard kid who quarterbacks the Rams said after the contest, "We gave 100 percent. And now we're going to take it one game at a time." The kid has a future in politics. Rams 24, Redskins 21

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS – Just to mess with everybody, Chiefs fans wear green this week. Chiefs 30, Broncos 25

JETS AT PATRIOTS – Seriously, someone should call in Amnesty International or something. Patriots 48, Jets 7

RAIDERS AT CHARGERSLaDainian Tomlinson runs over everybody and then on his second lap of the stadium he runs around everyone. Chargers 30, Raiders 14

SEAHAWKS AT EAGLES – A hunch. Eagles 23, Seahawks 20


Let me tell you about winter. My greatest dream is to have a nightmare and my worst nightmare is to have my dream come true. And that's why I don't care about apathy. Oh crap, let it snow.


This column is sponsored by The Rolling Stones album, "Bridges To Alzheimer's."

Brian Tarcy lives in Falmouth, MA. www.briantarcy.com

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