We have one day between expeditions.

That’s one day with no guests. Which leaves us roughly 24 hours to have the crew scour all 124 feet of my luxurious yacht, lay on supplies, and get everything perfect for the next batch of guests. Once all their tasks are completed, the crew likes to use their one “free from guests” night to unwind. Sometimes they go ashore in Barcelos. Other times they just hang out on the boat. Such was the case last week when the crew asked if we could all watch the 1997 movie Anaconda on the top deck.

“It takes place on this same river,” one guide explained.

“It’s awesome,” another guide promised.

“I’ll make special movie themed Hors d’oeuvres,” promised the chef.

I reluctantly agreed and allowed the crew to pop in the DVD. Dale read the movie tag as it loaded, “A “National Geographic” film crew is taken hostage by an insane hunter, who takes them along on his quest to capture the world’s largest – and deadliest – snake.”

I grabbed some fried peacock bass, a cold beer, and settled in for what I hoped would be an entertaining film.

It was.

If you consider really, really bad entertaining.

First of all, there are no snakes that big in the Amazon.

Period.

And even if there were I doubt Jennifer Lopez could kill one. Pretty as she is. I also found fault with the movie’s depiction of the Amazon. The real Amazonia doesn’t look anything like it does in the movie. Which isn’t hard to believe once you realize the film was shot in Florida.

I liked the Jon Voight character even if his accent was more Scarface than Brazilian.

Kari Wuhrer makes a pretty good damsel in distress but I doubt in real life she’d be dating a dork – is that a word people still use? I dunno. – like Owen Wilson. His accent was more annoying than Jon’s. I think he was going for a surfer type thing.

All in all, I prefer the real Amazonia to the one portrayed in Anaconda.

I also like that my boat better than the one in the movie as mine has air conditioning, a masseuse, and a chef.

Contact me if you want to see the real Amazonia

I know Amazônia.

I’m Capt Peacock.